


Leveling Up

by philalethia



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Epistolary, Gaming, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Drug Use, Sexuality Crisis, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-05-16 02:31:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 48
Words: 36,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5810137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philalethia/pseuds/philalethia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John plays video games, Sherlock writes a guide on GameFAQs, and they get on quite well together... eventually.</p><p>Told entirely through emails, text messages, and voice chats.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 20 April

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank-you to infidusfiles, without whom this fic would never have been started, finished, or posted. You were indispensable at every stage of the writing process, and just a really fucking good friend in general. ♥♥♥

2:43 p.m.

ScienceOfDeduction,

I’ve been using your walkthrough on GameFAQs to play Caranguard. I’m not really much for video games, Caranguard is my first actually, and your guide has been a HUGE help! Very descriptive and thorough and easy to understand without giving away any of the plot! So thank you very much for writing it!

But I did want to let you know that I found an error. In the Hounds of Baskerville sidequest you said you can find a special weapon called ‘the Liberty Bell’ above the desk in Henry’s house, but it’s just an ordinary iron axe for me. Took me ages to realise I wasn’t just missing something. So you might want to revise that bit.

Anyway, just thought you’d like to know.

Keep up the good work!

Cheers,

John

 

* * *

 

3:59 p.m.

No.

—ScienceOfDeduction

 

* * *

 

4:40 p.m.

I beg your pardon? No what?

John

 

* * *

 

5:13 p.m.

No you didn’t find an error, and no I won’t be revising anything.

The Liberty Bell can only be found in console versions of Caranguard. You’re clearly playing on a PC, where instead the weapon is an unnamed levelled war axe.

Putting aside the issue of you relying so closely on my guide that you spent ‘ages’ trying to locate a single insignificant weapon, if you insist on using a walkthrough written specifically for console versions and labelled as such (notice that the title of my guide is ‘FAQ/Walkthrough (consoles ONLY)’) then the least you can do is refrain from clogging my inbox with inane, irrelevant emails and false accusations.

In short: No.

—ScienceOfDeduction

 

* * *

 

6:00 p.m.

Oi! Get off your high horse. I sent you ONE email and if you don’t want people to email you then maybe you shouldn’t include your email address in every other line of your walkthrough. Also it WAS an error, you say everywhere else when something is different in the PC version, and I noticed you updated your guide today to say the Liberty Bell isn’t available on PCs, so sod your ‘false accusations’ and ‘won’t be revising anything’ rubbish. I saw you added this bit as well: ‘Don’t contact me if you believe you’ve found an error, as you are undoubtedly mistaken. I never make errors’. Never make errors? Could you be any more of an arrogant git?? Just admit it was an oversight and move on, it’s not hard! Also what do you mean ‘the issue of my relying so closely on your guide’? You must’ve spent months on that thing so why did you bother if you don’t want anyone to actually use it? In short: Piss off.

John

 

* * *

 

6:37 p.m.

First of all, as I am among the majority of people who are put off by long blocks of text and run-on sentences, I couldn’t summon the energy to do more than skim your most recent email. Your first was mostly comprehensible, but perhaps that was an anomaly.

Second of all, I welcome intelligent or at least interesting comments and queries about my guide or the game. Yours were neither.

Lastly, the purpose of any video game guide or walkthrough is to assist players who are having trouble. It should be consulted sparingly. Overreliance on it ruins the entire gameplay experience. That indicates either an unskilled, amateur player or someone with no respect for the time and effort the game developers put into ensuring a challenging, immersive experience.

—ScienceOfDeduction

 

* * *

 

7:06 p.m.

Apologies

For

The

Incomprehensible

Email.

How’s

This?

Easier

To

Read?

John

 

* * *

 

7:16 p.m.

Don’t be obtuse. No one is that much of an idiot.

—ScienceOfDeduction

 

* * *

 

7:47 p.m.

I’m not obtuse. I’m pissed off.

Fine, yes, you’re right. I am an amateur. I said as much in the first email I sent, but apparently you skimmed that one as well. Actually I’m starting to wonder if you’re just a shit communicator all around. I bet if I really looked closely at your guide I’d find errors all over the fucking thing.

And anyway, what’s wrong with being an amateur? Even you were one at some point you know.

John

 

* * *

 

8:39 p.m.

By all means. Satisfy your petty need to comb through it in search of errors. You’ll find none. I’ve devoted well over 100 hours to writing and editing my comprehensive guide to Caranguard. The quality is unmatched. You acknowledged that in your initial email, I believe. ‘Very thorough and descriptive and easy to understand’, wasn’t it?

Obviously nothing is inherently wrong with being an amateur. But neither being an amateur nor lacking respect is a quality terribly becoming of a man approaching 40, is it?

—ScienceOfDeduction

 

* * *

 

8:52 p.m.

How did you know I’m a man approaching 40?

 

* * *

 

9:35 p.m.

Not a difficult deduction to make, what with your full name, photograph, location, and birth date being displayed publicly on the profile attached to the address you’re emailing me from.

A simple internet search reveals you have a blog at johnwatsonblog.co.uk (a fascinating choice of URL, John, truly—nearly as fascinating as the content of the posts), which you seem to have created at the advice of someone called Ella. You also claim to have begun playing Caranguard at her behest.

Your therapist, obviously. You were invalided home to London after being permanently disabled in Afghanistan, and your perceived feelings of uselessness have brought on an episode of major depression. She hopes some combination of the blogging and gaming will help ease your symptoms, particularly since you’ve been resistant to more traditional forms of treatment.

It’s also obvious that you’re living with your brother. You dislike him and have done since childhood, but you couldn’t afford to live alone in London on a locum’s salary and you’ve no close friends with whom you’d be comfortable staying whilst you get back on your feet. It was meant to be a temporary arrangement, but obtaining a more permanent, stable job has proven more difficult than you’d hoped.

In your own estimation, your outlook is bleak. I suspect you contemplate suicide daily. Perhaps you’ve even bought the gun.

Don’t go through with it, by the way. Even accounting for your knowledge of both firearms and the human body, it’s surprisingly easy to survive a self-inflicted gunshot. Surely you’d agree the possibility of succeeding isn’t worth the risk of failing and having to endure the consequences.

—ScienceOfDeduction

 

* * *

 

10:19 p.m.

I don’t care how clever you think you are or what sort of ‘deductions’ you’ve made poking about my blog, that was NOT ON what you just did. My finances, my health, my family and friends, NONE of that is any of your concern. Especially when you haven’t even had the courtesy of signing your emails with anything more than a bloody screenname.

Speaking of, so I suppose thescienceofdeduction.co.uk is your website? It’s got the same pompous tone as your guide, at any rate, as well as your complete misunderstanding about deduction vs induction. If you’re some sort of private detective, then where did you find the 100+ hours to work on your guide? Seems an unlikely combination, detective work and avid video gaming.

Look. I’ll give you the birth date and such and also the stuff about the military, the locum work, and Harry, since that’s all in the blog, but how do you know Ella is my therapist? The bit about my being disabled is totally unfounded, and I’m also not sure why you think I’m depressed. Or why you think I don’t like Harry.

It seems to me you just made it all up.

John

 

* * *

 

10:39 p.m.

Congratulations, John. You’ve mastered the art of the rudimentary internet search.

I never make things up. I examine all available evidence and draw conclusions based on what I’ve observed.

Ella is neither a family member nor a friend because, as I said, you don’t have close friends or family. The only people you mention spending time with are the ‘lads from rugby’, who you say ‘haven’t changed’. ‘Lads’, not ‘friends’ or ‘mates’, and the wistful note about them not changing casts you in opposition. They’ve not changed, but you have. That sort of isolation and loneliness isn’t generally seen in someone with a strong circle of support.

Plus, your blog reeks of a depressive episode. (‘Nothing ever happens to me’? Really, John? Are you tied to a chair in an empty room?) Journaling, or in this case blogging, is a tool sometimes used by mental health professionals to treat symptoms of depression and anxiety. Also, a proportion of disabled individuals have long claimed that video games have had a positive impact on their mental wellbeing, and very recently the medical community has begun to take note—the most likely explanation for a therapist recommending games to her patient. I admit I question the judgment of anyone who would advise a traumatised war veteran to play a graphically violent combat-based game like Caranguard, but it would hardly be the first time no one has seen what seems obvious to me.

So: Ella is your therapist, you are depressed, and you are disabled. A former Army doctor who is depressed and disabled after returning from Afghanistan? You were badly injured and thereby honourably discharged.

A pension won’t go far in London. You had to find a flatmate. But according to your blog, which you started in early December, you didn’t move in with Harry until late February. If you and your brother were close, you’d have moved long before then. But no, you waited until you had no other choice. Not to mention, he’s replied to nearly every one of your blog posts, and you’ve not responded to any of his comments. He’s reaching out to you, but you’re not reaching back. That says you’ve got problems with him.

There, see? I don’t make things up.

Did I get anything wrong?

As for the work, I’m a consulting detective, as I said clearly on my website. I only accept interesting cases which, considering the sudden decline in intelligence of London’s criminal class, unfortunately leaves with a great deal of spare time. I despise being bored. Video games keep my mind occupied.

—Sherlock Holmes

 

* * *

 

11:07 p.m.

That, what you just did there, would probably be impressive if you weren’t being such an arse about it.

But since you were being an arse, it gives me no small amount of pleasure to say you were wrong about a few things.

I’m not disabled.

Harry’s short for Harriet.

Ella’s my ex therapist.

Caranguard wasn’t the game she recommended I play.

You said that I’ve been resistant to traditional forms of therapy. What did you mean by that?

John

 

* * *

 

11:30 p.m.

Ah. There’s always something. And anyway, I didn’t really expect to get everything right, as I’ve only words on a screen to go on. If I’d met you in person, my deductions would have been much more accurate.

I meant that your therapist tasked you with keeping a blog about your life, and you created one that is so dull and impersonal it’s almost farcical. I’ve got case files that are more intimate. You put in the least amount of effort you could get away with while still being able to say you did as she asked. That says you didn’t give a toss about your progress, which means you didn’t cooperate with any of her attempts to treat you. One wonders why you even bothered with therapy to begin with.

—SH

P.S. A temporary impairment, then?

 

* * *

 

11:59 p.m.

Why I bothered with therapy is none of your fucking business. And you can piss off now.

 

 


	2. 21 April

12:09 a.m.

You’ve got several rather unbecoming qualities, I see.

Fine. I wish you luck on your gaming. You’ll almost certainly need it.

—SH

 

* * *

 

7:48 a.m.

Woke up this morning and realised some of what I said might’ve crossed a line. I try not to be the sort of person who slings nasty names and shouts abuse at people, even over email.

So. I apologise.

Good guess in your last email. Temporary impairment of a sort. I had a bad limp for a while, had to use a cane and everything. It went away eventually.

John

 

* * *

 

11:31 a.m.

I never guess.

Apology accepted.

I might’ve perhaps been a bit unnecessarily rude myself. For that, I suppose I should apologise as well.

—SH

 

* * *

 

12:35 p.m.

You might’ve been? And you suppose you should? Mate, you were and you really bloody should. You might’ve written an impressive and frankly invaluable game guide, but that doesn’t give you free reign to be a cock to people who are only trying to help.

John

 

* * *

 

3:03 p.m.

Fine. Then I apologise for being an arrogant git, an arse, a cock, and a shit communicator all around.

Is that satisfactory?

Which game did your therapist recommend? And why did you choose Caranguard instead?

—SH

 

* * *

 

6:56 p.m.

It’ll do, I suppose. I noticed you took down the bit in your guide about never making errors so thanks for that as well.

She recommended some sort of puzzle game. I was having a lot of trouble sleeping then, I’d started waking up every night in a cold sweat with my leg just aching mercilessly and my mind racing. I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t get my head to shut up, so I would end up staring at the walls and the ceiling and wanting to tear myself apart. If I ever managed to fall back asleep after that, it was after the sun was already rising. Ella thought a mindless puzzle game might be able to calm me down when I got like that.

But when I got on the site to buy it, it looked awful. Dead dull and just, I don’t know. I didn’t want it. Caranguard was on sale, it didn’t look awful, so I bought it.

Ella wasn’t really pleased about that. Like you said, it’s a bit violent and the main story’s about war. But by that point it was fairly obvious Ella and I weren’t really compatible so to speak, so I stopped seeing her.

Sorry. That got a bit more personal than I meant it to.

John

 

* * *

 

8:40 p.m.

Considering you were only responding to my questions, you needn’t apologise.

It seems to have worked out all right with Caranguard. You must be enjoying it, if you’ve continued to play it and were moved enough to contact the writer of a game guide. It’s also not overly violent, as far as video games go. Gore is minimal and the high fantasy aspects of the characters and storyline help prevent the violence from becoming uncomfortably realistic. Certainly there are worse games.

You said that Caranguard was the first video game you’ve played. Is it still the only game you’ve played, or have you sampled others?

Incidentally, I noticed you said in your first email that you picked up an iron war axe in Henry’s house at Baskerville. As that weapon should have been levelled (i.e., the material should correspond with your experience level) and iron is one of the weakest materials in the game, I assume you are still at a low level. As I wrote in my guide, the Hounds of Baskerville is a quest that you should avoid until you’re at least a level 50. Not only is the Hound a difficult boss for lower-level characters, but the catacombs are impossible to navigate stealthily if you’ve a low sneak skill. I hope you’ve left off on that quest for now.

—SH

 

* * *

 

10:32 p.m.

Did you actually just chastise me for not following your guide closely enough? After you berated me for relying too heavily on it? So you’re not only an arrogant prat, but the sort of arrogant prat that changes his mind constantly and expects everyone to just go along with his whims? Good to know.

Anyway, I managed the catacombs just fine, more or less. Not exactly stealthily though. When the necromancers or whoever spotted me and tried to sound the alarm, I sort of stabbed them a bit. I know I wasn’t supposed to just off everyone, but it seemed to work out all right. I completed the quest.

I did play a trial of Warfare 3 a few weeks ago, but it was a bit shit, from a medical and a military perspective. Too many sprays of blood and explosions, people were too invincible and easy to heal, and all the characters looked and acted the same. War isn’t like that. Also, I was pants at it. I was a Captain in the RAMC, but I couldn’t manage to walk while also looking about in a sodding video game.

What about you? What games have you played?

John

 

 


	3. 22 April

12:50 a.m.

You stabbed them ‘a bit’? That makes no sense. You can’t stab someone ‘a bit’. That’s the same as saying you murdered someone ‘slightly’. Not only that, but you must’ve been swarmed with angry necromancers wielding powerful magic and staffs the moment any of them saw you. I can’t believe you managed to survive. What difficulty are you playing on?

The Warfare series is a disgrace to the entire video game industry. I’m not surprised you disliked it.

Apologies for my earlier comments about a ‘traumatised war veteran’ playing violent video games, by the way, assuming you took any offence to it. I see now that you are made of even stronger stuff than I first suspected.

I’ve just accepted a case this morning, so with any luck I'll have little time or focus for video games. Don’t be alarmed if I stop responding for a bit.

Incidentally, if you still find me such an arrogant prat and a prick and whatever else, rest assured you are under no obligation to remain in contact with me. In fact, it would be better in that case if you stopped replying immediately. I realise you’re starved for contact, but there are dozens of other people writing guides for Caranguard whose personalities you might find less offensive than mine even if their guides are far inferior.

SH

 

* * *

 

8:22 a.m.

My tone for the ‘arrogant prat’ bit of my last email was meant to be dry but good-natured, but apparently that didn’t translate. Sorry if I upset you.

I don’t really know what I think of you, to be honest. You were a bit of a raging arsehole at first, but you’ve got better or maybe I’ve just got less tetchy. Hell, maybe I am starved for contact. Whatever it is I’ve liked our emails the last two days and don’t really want them to stop, thanks. Unless you want them to stop obviously. If I’ve angered you or bored you or whatever. I’d rather not keep sending you emails if you just dread seeing my name pop up in your inbox.

On the chance that you’re not keen to be rid of me, do you mind if I ask what a consulting detective is? I’ve never heard of it before. Is it different to being a private detective? And if you can and are comfortable saying anything about the case you’re working on now, I wouldn’t mind hearing a bit about it. :)

I also admit I’m a bit curious about your age, since you know mine and all. But at the same time maybe it’s better I don’t know. If you’re too much younger than me I might start to feel odd about the whole thing.

Don’t feel obligated to answer or even to reply if you don’t want to. Like I said I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you’d prefer.

John

 

* * *

 

6:02 p.m.

Sorry, just realised I didn’t answer your question in that last email. I’m not sure what you mean about the difficulty. I don’t think it gave me a choice when I started playing, so it’s just the normal setting I suppose?

John

 

 


	4. 23 April

5:59 p.m.

You can change the difficulty level at any time in the options menu. I’m surprised you didn’t know that, as it’s one of the most common game tips that pop up on the loading screens.

In any case, you didn’t upset me. Nor do I find your emails boring or unpleasant. If nothing else, they provide a welcome break from the tedium of ‘ordinary’. Rest assured that if that changes at any point, you’ll know. As you so elegantly said, I am a raging arsehole.

Is it the stereotype of the average video game player or some aspect of my emails themselves that makes you assume I’m younger than you? Not that your assumption was incorrect. I am younger than you, but not by what I would consider ‘much’: approximately five years and two months. Hopefully that isn’t an insurmountable age difference?

You wouldn’t have heard of a consulting detective before because I’m the only one in the world. I invented the job. When the police are out of their depth—which is always—they come to me. I examine the evidence, question suspects and witnesses, and inevitably observe things that everyone else has overlooked.

On occasion I accept private cases, provided they’re interesting enough. Unfortunately, those are few and far between.

The case I’m working is technically a disappearance, but I have high hopes that it’ll become a murder investigation, which is my preference. You might’ve read about it in the papers. Husband and wife were intending to travel to London to visit family. They clearly left their home in Manchester (luggage, clothes, and toiletries are missing, car is gone), but never arrived in London.

I initially suspected an elaborate murder-suicide (photographs of the supposedly happy couple clearly indicated he was depressed, abusive, and an avid user of methamphetamine). Then late last night I discovered very subtle evidence of a recent automobile accident on the couple’s route just outside Manchester, but no reports of an accident or signs of the vehicles involved. Now I think there was something larger at play, but of course I won’t theorise without facts.

SH

 

* * *

 

8:20 p.m.

You know when you warned me you might not respond for a bit, I thought it might be longer than a day before I heard from you again. Not that I’m complaining, mind! I was happy to see your name (well, ‘ScienceOf Deduction’) in my email again so soon after the last. :)

Loading screens, is that what they’re called, the things that show up while you’re waiting to go from one area to another? I don’t read them, to be honest. The words are small and my screen’s not very big. Mostly I just make the little pictures of monsters and whatnot move round the screen and spin while I wait.

I suppose my thinking was probably influenced by the video game player stereotype, yeah. Mostly though I’m comparing myself to the stereotype and feeling a bit silly for playing video games as a 39 year old. You’re meant to play games as a child, aren’t you, and then outgrow them as you get older. And here I am spending hours every day on them and loving the hell out of it. Also, my sister Harry has been making comments about how pathetic it is, how embarrassing I am, and so on. I think it’s starting to get to me.

Sorry, that turned out a bit woe is me didn’t it? The point is, I’ve felt very old lately and I thought you must’ve been younger. I’m quite relieved you’re not as young as I was afraid. And no, five years is not insurmountable at all. ;)

Wow, I didn’t know the police ever hired a consultant like that. I’m impressed! That’s amazing. A little less amazing that you say you’re wishing for some people to be dead, but I think I know what you meant.

Yeah I have read about your case, though I’ve not been following it closely. Mr and Mrs Spirson, right? A shame if they got caught up in something awful. You’re right that in the photo he looks like a right bastard, something about his eyes I think, but she looks kind.

I hope the case is going well.

John

 

 


	5. 24 April (Part 1)

11:04 a.m.

John,

You’ll notice I’m sending this email from a different account, one which is associated with my real name instead of ‘ScienceOfDeduction’. Please feel free to use this one when contacting me.

As for why it didn’t take me longer to respond, both then and now, I find I’ve had more free time during this case than I’d expected. First I had to wait for lab results, and today I’m waiting for a contact to return my phone call. So I had nothing better to do, and my computer happened to be within reach. That’s all. Although I’m gratified that my emails make you ‘happy’. Quite a change from only a week ago, when I was a prick who pissed you off.

It seems your sister has at least one thing in common with my brother. He sneers at me regularly for having such a ‘childish hobby’. I ignore him and would advise you to similarly ignore your sister. It’s neither pathetic nor embarrassing to enjoy something that strengthens several cognitive skills such as spatial navigation and memory, reduces anxiety, and—perhaps most importantly—hurts no one. My brother, and perhaps your sister as well, certainly can’t say the same.

Is Harry your only sibling? She’s older than you, yes?

There have been several developments in the case since my last email. I’m certain now that the Spirsons were forced off the road by a lorry and either killed straightaway or, more likely, incapacitated and taken somewhere else to be killed. Their car was then hauled away and the area cleaned up, although clearly not thoroughly enough. (I deduced all this from multiple pieces of evidence, including a shard of windscreen glass and a disturbed patch of grass, incidentally.)

Mr Spirson’s mobile phone records reveal the name of his methamphetamine supplier and the couple’s recent bank activity and credit card statements show they were in substantial debt, no doubt due to his addiction. Surely you see where this is all leading; it’s disappointingly obvious.

All that remains is to locate the bodies. I’ve advised that the canals be dragged as soon as possible, as that’s the most well-known and effective method of body disposal in this area. It’s a testament to the incompetence of the GMP that they had to be advised to do it in the first place.

Anyway, I should know more after I meet with the dealer this afternoon.

Sherlock

 

* * *

 

1:34 p.m.

You’re meeting with a drug dealer who’s killed at least two people, and has enough friends or lackeys or whatever to erase most of the evidence of a car accident? I don’t really like that you say YOU are doing it. Tell me you’ve got police backup. People like that aren’t to be dealt with on your own.

I repeat, DON’T MEET ANYONE ON YOUR OWN! I don’t know how it works for a consulting detective, if you’re even allowed to pursue suspects on your own or not, but if there’s no one else I can meet you wherever you need me to be. I know I don’t really look it, but I’m very, very good in a fight. Or any other dangerous situation, for that matter.

Let me know and I’ll see about getting a ride.

John

 

* * *

 

6:24 p.m.

Sherlock,

Suppose I’ll go ahead and answer the rest of your email while I wait for you to respond to mine.

I don’t know that it’s been proven video games have any health benefits, just suggested by one study or another. And I imagine there’s just as many studies suggesting they can lead to increased depressive and aggressive tendencies, particularly in teenagers. There’s also the addiction bit. But thank you. It does cheer me a bit to know I’m not the only person in their thirties playing video games. :)

Yeah, Harry’s my only sibling. We’re twins actually, which I sometimes forget because she doesn’t really feel like my twin, if that makes sense. We’ve never got on, definitely never had the close connection you always hear about. Technically she’s younger, but only by about a half hour. Still I think of her as my little sister and myself as the big brother.

What about you? Is it just you and your brother, or do you have other siblings?

Also, I keep meaning to ask you, I know you play games on consoles or whatever since that’s what you wrote your guide about, but I don’t know about computer games. Do you have Steam?

You haven’t responded yet. I’m probably overthinking this, but on the off chance I’m not, you can text or ring if email’s too much of a bother. My number is 07700 900597.

John

 

 


	6. 24 April (Part 2)

9:17 p.m.

_Did no one ever tell you it’s an exceedingly poor idea to give strangers on the internet your number? SH_

I never said I was smart. And I wouldn’t really you call you a stranger since I know your name and now your number.

You’re all right then?

_Unfortunately yes. Tediously unharmed. SH_

_Although unnecessary, your concern is appreciated. SH_

Right.

_Highly appreciated. If there had been more time, I might’ve taken you up on your offer. SH_

Okay. Why is it unfortunate you weren’t hurt?

_If I’d been hurt, that would have meant there’d been some sort of challenge, some sort of excitement. SH_

_Instead, he tried to flee and then flailed about shouting obscenities whilst he was taken into custody. SH_

_Dull. SH_

You can stop initialling your messages you know. By now I should know who I’m texting.

_It’s an automatic signature. SH_

_I can turn it off if you’d prefer. SH_

No it’s fine! I just didn’t want you to feel like you had to or anything. Didn’t know if maybe you thought I was that much of an idiot. ;)

_Why do you keep doing that? SH_

Doing what?

_:) and ;) SH_

I don’t know. They’re meant to be smiling faces. That’s just what people use when they’re talking online and over text.

_Do they? SH_

Er. I thought so. I suppose I don’t really talk to enough people to say for certain. Just Harry sometimes.

_Nor do I. SH_

Well we’re a right pair aren’t we? No wonder we get on so well.

Now you’ve stopped being a prick that is ;)

_Apparently so. SH_

By the way that’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, you being disappointed you weren’t hurt.

_It’s not stupid. Why is it stupid? SH_

Because it is. Did you just seriously ask that? If you’re going to be a reckless idiot, then you really should take me with you next time.

_I’m never reckless. SH_

Yeah you are. ‘I’m going to confront a murderous drug dealer, that’ll be great, hahahaha’!

_I didn’t say that. SH_

You sort of did, more or less. Tell me you had backup at least?

_Of course I did. SH_

Oh so you didn’t then?

_Your reading comprehension is clearly lacking. I just said that I did have backup. SH_

You didn’t say who, you would’ve told me in absurd amount of detail if you actually had done.

_Only lies have detail. SH_

So you didn’t add detail because you thought it made the lie more believable?

_I didn’t add detail because it wasn’t a lie. Anyway, why does it matter? I’m clearly alive and well. SH_

This time you are, sure. Maybe next time just show a little survival instinct and bring someone along.

_You mean you specifically, I assume? SH_

Not necessarily but if no one else is around then sure. Like I said, I’m good in a fight.

_I suppose I can take the idea into consideration. SH_

You do that.

_I’ve got to go. I’ll respond to your emails tomorrow. SH_

Okay. It was nice talking to you.

_Was it? SH_

I think so, yeah. I feel better now at least I know you’re not dead.

I do, yeah. Mostly I feel better knowing you’re not dead.

_I understood the first text. I’m not sure why you found it necessary to reword and resend it. SH_

Oh sorry! You didn’t respond so I wasn’t sure it went through the first time.

_It did. I simply stepped away from my phone for a moment before I could respond. SH_

Okay well, just ignore the second one then. The point is, I’m glad you texted and that you’re okay.

Anyway, have a good night.

_Good night. SH_


	7. 26 and 27 April

26 April, 12:21 p.m.

John,

Like I said in my texts, my pursuit of the suspect, such that it was, was hopelessly dull. My meeting with Charlie Meacham, who was bulky and beady-eyed and not nearly as clever as he obviously thought he was, was cut short by the arrival of the police. I made the mistake of sharing some of my findings with the Detective Inspector I was assisting and he evidently didn’t approve of the more covert approach.

Anyway, as I said, Meacham tried to run but was swiftly apprehended and caught. And as though his reaction wasn’t damning enough, he was actually wearing Mr Spirson’s watch. Idiot. All that’s left now is to locate the Spirson’s car and track down Meacham’s accomplices. The bodies were found in the Rochdale Canal, as expected. Autopsies are being performed as I type this, but I doubt the results will do anything aside from confirming that Meacham is an unimaginative boor.

I’m quite ready to be done with this case and back in London.

I’ve only the one brother, yes. His name is Mycroft, he is nine years older than I am, and he often calls himself my archenemy, which should give you some idea about our relationship.

Why are you living with your sister if the two of you don’t get on?

I prefer consoles because I’d rather play video games on a machine whose only function is video games. It seems simpler that way. But I’m not unaware of computer gaming, and I do have Steam. Why?

Still enjoying Caranguard?

Sherlock

 

* * *

 

27 April, 5:55 p.m.

Sherlock,

Oh I see, so you didn’t mean to have police backup after all then? Brilliant. You lying berk. Sorry the case has turned out to be dull (?). It sounds loads more exciting than anything I’ve done in years though, so you’ll understand if my sympathy is a bit limited. Especially since you’re not even trying to pretend you didn’t lie about the police.

The offer of backup still stands for future cases, by the way. I’ve usually got my phone on me, even during my shifts at the surgery, so if you ring or text I should respond quickly.

Do people have archenemies? Your brother sounds like an overdramatic knob, to be honest. Hopefully you don’t have to see him very often. Are your parents in the picture at all? I’m trying to imagine the sort of people that would name their kids Sherlock and Mycroft. I’ve never heard of anyone being called either, but I assume they’re family names.

I’m living with Harry because I had no other options. Like you said, an Army pension doesn’t go far in London and I didn’t start doing locum work until very recently. And no one but Harry would’ve wanted me as a flatmate. I’m terse and territorial, I was still limping and walking with a cane at the time, I had nightmares, and I was even more tetchy than I am now.

Plus, Harry was in a bad place. She and her wife were just divorced. She was drinking heavily and often. I was worried what might happen if she lived alone with no one to make sure she didn’t choke on her own vomit or drink herself into a coma. She still drinks more than she should, at this point she probably qualifies as a functioning alcoholic. But at least it’s not as bad as it was. I’ve tried to encourage her to check herself into a facility, but she hasn’t been keen on the idea.

Anyway, living with her hasn’t been as awful as I thought it might be. We mostly leave each other alone these days, aside from supper when we eat silently in front of the telly. Christ, I’m painting a terribly dismal picture of my life in this email aren’t I? I suppose at least now you understand why your ‘dull’ time in Manchester sounds interesting to me.

I asked about Steam because I’ve poked around in it a bit and found there’s a chat feature and a place where you can add friends and such. I thought if you had one and were all right with it, you could send me your username and I could add you as a friend. :)

I’m frustrated with Caranguard at the moment. I was working on the quest called The Side of Angels, but I got stuck trying to clear Reichenbach Falls. There might’ve been shouting. I’ve had to put it away for a few days.

I hope the case wraps up quickly and you have a safe trip back to London.

John

 

 


	8. 28 and 29 April

28 April, 10:45 p.m.

John,

Apologies for the delay. My landlady’s made herself something of a nuisance since I got back.

You didn’t believe I had police backup anyway. Why should I lie when there’s no purpose to it?

My definition of ‘interesting’ has always been different to most people’s. Their minds, yours included (no offence intended), are placid. Mine's like an engine racing out of control. The amount of stimulation required to fully engage my mind is far greater than yours. Although, I admit, having a companion might’ve possibly improved the situation. I’ll keep your offer in mind.

‘Overdramatic knob’ is an understatement. He has an entire collection of long umbrellas, and he carries one everywhere he goes, no matter the weather, tapping the metal tip on the floor and occasionally swinging it round as he walks because he thinks it makes him look stylish and intimidating. He’s insufferable, and I have to interact with him far too much for my liking.

My parents are indeed ‘in the picture’, although I don’t see them often. They have a cottage in Gloucestershire, which I and Mycroft usually visit around Christmas, and they travel to London at least twice a year to visit. You’re correct that Sherlock and Mycroft are both family names, though my brother and I are the first to have them in well over a century. As I understand it, Mummy developed an interest in genealogy during her first pregnancy, and she’s always been a bit impulsive and whimsical and Daddy has always followed her devotedly. I’m also not totally convinced the epidural wasn’t to blame.

It might improve your opinion of my parents to know that William is actually my given name. Sherlock is a middle name and what I elected to go by when I was a child. Mycroft can’t say the same, however.

You aren’t painting a particularly happy picture, no, but neither is it terrible. For instance, from your emails and your blog you don’t seem the sort of person who would be a nightmare to live with. Tetchy, yes, but that’s far from the most obnoxious quality someone can possess. In fact, even your punctuation is more offensive to me than that.

In my experience, a facility is useless to an addict who doesn’t want to alter their behaviour. It’s a trite sentiment, all that about not being able to help someone who won’t help themselves, but no less true for it.

And I assure you, my impression of you is far from dismal.

My username on Steam is the same as my handle on GameFAQs: ScienceOfDeduction.

I can’t decide if you’re deliberately going against the advice of my guide or if you’ve stopped relying on it at all. Either way, Reichenbach Falls is a notoriously difficult location to complete and, even more so than the Hounds of Baskerville, that quest should be avoided until you’re a higher level. Even at level 65, I found the Spider King (the boss I assume you’re stuck on, although perhaps you haven’t even made it that far) extraordinarily hard to defeat. I died several times before I finally managed it. So my advice is to leave Reichenbach Falls for the moment, find something else to do, and—most importantly—stop running headfirst into quests that you aren’t prepared for yet!

I arrived safely (boringly—I’d have much preferred a hazardous situation popping up) back in London early this morning. I’ll probably spend the rest of the day playing Caranguard, as your emails have made me want to revisit it.

I hope your day has been at least passable. :)

Sherlock

 

* * *

 

29 April, 12:08 a.m.

Sherlock,

Giving the faces a try I see. I’m going to focus on that bit rather than the bit where you’re a lying berk with no sense of self-preservation. :)

You’ve obviously got a different definition of ‘delay’ too since I didn’t notice a delay at all. How’s your landlady being a nuisance? Our landlord’s a bit of a cock, but at least we don’t have to interact with him much.

Your brother sounds cartoonish. Not sure if I’d want to meet him just for curiosity’s sake or not.

I didn’t have a poor opinion of your parents to begin with. Sorry if I gave the impression that I did. I realise now it was a bit shit of me to comment on your name like that. Especially since I’ve got such an unoriginal one like John. When I was younger I would’ve been happy to be called something less common. It felt like I was surrounded by Johns in school and it was even worse in the RAMC. I don’t see many younger people called John now, so I assume it’s finally lost its popularity. I suppose William’s about the same. God, I’m just rambling now. The point is, Sherlock’s a fine name and sorry if I was a dick.

Anyway, you seem close to your parents or at least not as at odds with them as you are with your brother. That’s good.

Your opinion of me is far from dismal eh? Wow such high praise, I’m flattered. But oi! What’s wrong with my punctuation?? I’ve been paying extra attention to how long my paragraphs get since you whinged about it the once you know and now you’re whinging about my punctuation? :P

I’ve been thinking about your preoccupation with levels and what you said about overrelying on guides and walkthroughs, and I’ve decided it’s all rot. If whoever made the game actually intended certain parts of the game to only be completed after you’d reached a certain level, they’d have made it so you can’t get to those parts until you’re at that level. Not to mention I finished the Hounds of Baskerville just fine when according to you I shouldn’t have been able to because I’m not at level 400 or whatever. If everyone was meant to play the game exactly the same, it seems to me that’s getting rid of the whole point of it being a game. You might as well just watch a film if you don’t want to have any choices.

That said.....yeah it was the spider whatsit that I was stuck on and I’ve taken your advice and buggered off to do something else awhile.

Are you starting Caranguard again or just continuing it? You can keep playing after you finish the game yeah? I think I read that somewhere.

Oh, and I’ll add you on Steam after I send this email. It’s funny, I searched for ScienceOfDeduction a few days ago and couldn’t find anyone by that name. Maybe I was searching in the wrong area, haha. Anyway, if you get a message from JohnHWatson you’ll know who it is. ;)

John

 

 


	9. 30 April

7:00 p.m.

JohnHWatson: Hello!

JohnHWatson: Sherlock right?

_ScienceOfDeduction: Yes._

JohnHWatson: Excellent!

JohnHWatson: I couldn’t get over the feeling that I might end up talking to the wrong person.

JohnHWatson: I’ve never used an online chat before.

_ScienceOfDeduction: Nor have I. I’ve never seen the point of it._

_ScienceOfDeduction: It’s easier to text or email._

JohnHWatson: Oh sorry. Shall I leave you alone? We can go back to emailing.

_ScienceOfDeduction: No_

_ScienceOfDeduction: No it’s fine. Until now, I meant._

_ScienceOfDeduction: I’ve a better understanding of the benefits of an online chat now._

JohnHWatson: I just thought it might be fun to try something different.

_ScienceOfDeduction: It was a good idea, surprisingly._

_ScienceOfDeduction: And with Steam, we can play games together._

_ScienceOfDeduction: Assuming you have any interest in that._

JohnHWatson: Surprisingly?

_ScienceOfDeduction: What?_

_ScienceOfDeduction: Oh. Yes. It was, but I suppose I shouldn’t have said so._

JohnHWatson: It’s fine. You can say whatever you want.

JohnHWatson: I just think it’s funny you can come across as charming sometimes and a bit of a prick at other times.

JohnHWatson: :P

_ScienceOfDeduction: My verbal filter, so to speak, isn’t always functioning at full capacity._

_ScienceOfDeduction: Some days are worse than others._

_ScienceOfDeduction: I don’t always realise I’m being insulting before someone’s lashing out to punch me._

JohnHWatson: I’m not going to punch you.

_ScienceOfDeduction: Obviously not. We’re in completely different locations._

JohnHWatson: Well yeah but even if we weren’t. You haven’t offended me that much, not even at the very beginning when you were a prick.

JohnHWatson: Anyway, sorry, back to your question. Yeah I’d absolutely have an interest in playing games with you!

JohnHWatson: Did you have something in mind?

_ScienceOfDeduction: Obviously nothing based heavily on combat or timed puzzles._

JohnHWatson: What? Why?

_ScienceOfDeduction: Your typing speed is abysmal. If you stopped concentrating on a combat-based or timed game for the amount of time it takes you to type a single sentence, you wouldn’t last at all, which renders the point of us playing together moot if we can’t communicate._

_ScienceOfDeduction: I assume you don’t have a headset? Or a simple microphone?_

JohnHWatson: Well excuse me, you git, but I never used a computer until recently so it takes me a bit longer to find the keys.

_ScienceOfDeduction: That wasn’t a complaint; it was a statement of fact._

JohnHWatson: YOU type unnaturally fast.

JohnHWatson: See?! you typeed ;ike 15 words in the tme ittook me t tupe 4!1

_ScienceOfDeduction: Please never try to type quickly again. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you purposely made your message nearly incomprehensible to prove a point._

JohnHWatson: It’s actually better than I thought it would be. But fine. You’ll just have to put up with my abysmal typing.

JohnHWatson: :P

_ScienceOfDeduction: Headset or microphone?_

JohnHWatson: What?

JohnHWatson: OH! No I don’t have either.

JohnHWatson: Sorry.

_ScienceOfDeduction: It’s fine. You were too busy being offended by me, apparently._

JohnHWatson: But not offended enough to hit you ;)

_ScienceOfDeduction: Is :P meant to be a person sticking their tongue out? And ;) a wink?_

JohnHWatson: Yeah. I’ve been trying to use them to show I’m being playful so I don’t upset you.

_ScienceOfDeduction: I don’t get upset._

_ScienceOfDeduction: But I appreciate the effort._

JohnHWatson: You really do. My first email upset you so much you went on a tirade.

_ScienceOfDeduction: I didn’t do that._

JohnHWatson: Yeah you did.

JohnHWatson: Fortunately we moved past that. :)

_ScienceOfDeduction: When people stick out their tongues, they don’t do so from the side of their mouth; they do so from the centre._

JohnHWatson: Are you actually judging the accuracy of a little face on the internet?

_ScienceOfDeduction: If :P has to represent a human facial expression, it most accurately resembles a corpse in the bloat stage with its tongue swollen and protruding._

JohnHWatson: That’s cheerful. I suppose you’re right though.

_ScienceOfDeduction: Of course I am._

JohnHWatson: Well, except for the bit where its eyes should be bulged too, at least at the very first part of the bloat stage, before they deflate. More like 8P

JohnHWatson: But if it bothers you I can just start using more ;)

JohnHWatson: That one’s more or less accurate right?

JohnHWatson: Sherlock?

_ScienceOfDeduction: Yes, it’s more or less accurate, and yes, it’s acceptable._

JohnHWatson: Oh good. Took you a bit to answer, so I thought I might’ve upset you.

_ScienceOfDeduction: Not at all._

JohnHWatson: By the way, the corpse comment reminded me I wanted to ask you how you got into video games?

_ScienceOfDeduction: How did that remind you?_

JohnHWatson: It reminded me that you help the sodding police for a living and you were just whinging about how catching a murderer was boring, and yet you’re happy to sit on a sofa or chair or whatever and play a video game for hours.

JohnHWatson: It’s still a bit baffling to me.

_ScienceOfDeduction: It’s mental stimulation. Some games are even quite clever, almost enough to truly challenge me._

JohnHWatson: Almost enough? How many times did the giant spider at Reichenbach Falls kill you before you beat him again?

_ScienceOfDeduction: The Spider King. And oh fine. Sometimes even the simplest game can be bloody hard._

_ScienceOfDeduction: As for why I started playing, I had a friend who was interested in video games._

JohnHWatson: A friend?

_ScienceOfDeduction: Yes. I’m not so much of a prick that I’m incapable of having one._

JohnHWatson: I know! That’s not what I was saying. It was meant to be an invitation for you to say more if you wanted.

_ScienceOfDeduction: Ah. I see._

JohnHWatson: Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.

_ScienceOfDeduction: You didn’t. It’s just not a terribly thrilling story._

_ScienceOfDeduction: The short of it is that I had a friend who loved video games, I watched him play, and eventually I took an interest as well._

_ScienceOfDeduction: What about a crafting game?_

JohnHWatson: A what?

_ScienceOfDeduction: A video game in which the whole purpose is to build things. Sometimes there’s also a survival element, but it’s usually possible to turn that off._

JohnHWatson: Okay but what about it?

_ScienceOfDeduction: Would you like to try playing one with me?_

JohnHWatson: Oh! Sure, yeah, that sounds good. I might be rubbish at it, but I’ll give it a go.

_ScienceOfDeduction: Would you prefer 2D or 3D?_

JohnHWatson: I don’t know what that means.

_ScienceOfDeduction: Of course you don’t. I’ll just choose one, shall I?_

JohnHWatson: You could explain the difference.

_ScienceOfDeduction: Yes, and you could look it up. Or is a Google search suddenly beyond your capabilities?_

_ScienceOfDeduction: What about Diggy Hole? Terrible name, I know, but supposedly the game itself is good._

JohnHWatson: Christ, why are you so peevish all of a sudden? Give me a mo to have a look at the game.

_ScienceOfDeduction: I’m not peevish._

JohnHWatson: Yeah, that’s fine. I can manage 17 quid.

_ScienceOfDeduction: Is it too much? It’s the most well-known crafting game with the best multiplayer support, but there are other, less expensive options._

JohnHWatson: No it really is fine! And anyway I’ve already started buying it, so……

_ScienceOfDeduction: All right. Good._

JohnHWatson: Do you want to play now or.......?

_ScienceOfDeduction: No, I’ll give you time to play on your own and get used to the controls first. Maybe in a few days we can give it a go?_

JohnHWatson: Probably a good idea yeah. ;)

_ScienceOfDeduction: I’ll let you go then so you can do that._

JohnHWatson: If you want. I’m not really in the mood to play anything right now, but I should probably make a sandwich or something since I’ve not eaten.

_ScienceOfDeduction: I’ll respond to your email in a bit._

JohnHWatson: All right. Goodbye then!

_ScienceOfDeduction: Goodbye._

_ScienceOfDeduction: :)_

 


	10. 1 and 2 May

1 May, 7:19 a.m.

John,

When in Rome, etc. I figured that if you’re intent on using emoticons, I should at least give it a try. Even without the bulged eyes, I still maintain that :P looks like a corpse. Maybe an animal? Their tongues hang out after death even before they’ve reached the bloat stage, don’t they?

My landlady and I don’t have a typical relationship. We actually met years ago after her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out by ensuring his execution, which she was thankful for. As a result, our relationship is more personal. She likes to pop up for a chat or to drop off a tray of scones or to fuss over some triviality. The latter happened to be the case the other day when she was being a nuisance. Evidently I’d left something out on the kitchen table that began to rot and smell whilst I was out of town. Mrs Hudson voiced her displeasure at length.

Trust me when I say that, curiosity or not, you don’t want to meet Mycroft.

I was never _surrounded_ by other Williams, but I did dislike how common the name was, yes. Also—and it’s horribly shameful to admit this now—I was envious of Mycroft for having such a singular name, which he lorded over me at every turn. So when I was five, I told Mummy and Daddy I wanted to be called Sherlock, and they were happy to comply.

My relationship with my parents isn’t spectacularly close, but we do get on all right. You don’t get on with yours, I assume?

Frankly, John, your punctuation is maddening. Not because it is wrong—after regularly dealing with people who couldn’t punctuate a sentence correctly if someone was holding a gun to their head, I’ve become nearly immune—but because it is never consistently wrong. Take, for instance, the following two sentences, which appear one after the other in your most recent email:

‘I’ve been paying extra attention to how long my paragraphs get since you whinged about it the once you know and now you’re whinging about my punctuation?’

‘I’ve been thinking about your preoccupation with levels and what you said about overrelying on guide and walkthroughs, and I’ve decided it’s all rot.’

Both sentences are composed of two independent clauses joined with the conjunctive ‘and’. In the first, you don’t use a comma. In the other, even though the second independent clause is shorter than the second independent clause in the first sentence, you do use a comma. Why? I’ve no idea. There don’t seem to be any particular rules governing your punctuation usage.

The game producers did make it so you can’t progress past a certain point in a quest if you aren’t at a sufficiently high level. Or did you not just admit you couldn’t defeat the Spider King at Reichenbach Falls and so left off finishing the quest until you’d got stronger? Also, just because the game isn’t preventing you from playing the game however you want doesn’t mean there isn’t a _correct_ way to play it.

Yes, you can continue to play Caranguard after all quests are technically completed, which is what I’ve been doing. Somehow it didn’t occur to me to create a new character and start again. Perhaps I’ll do that instead.

What level are you, incidentally?

Have you given Diggy Hole a go yet? Assuming you’re amenable, how does Monday at 8 PM sound for a bit of multiplayer?

:)

Sherlock

 

* * *

 

2 May, 12:58 p.m.

Sherlock,

Dogs’ tongues can hang out sometimes after death I think. Not sure about other animals. Anyway, I’ll be sure to only use :P from now on when the point is to make you think of a decaying body, human or otherwise.

What did Mr Hudson do that got him executed? Also, was that a boring case by your standards? If so I’m sort of curious what you would consider an interesting one, since your life keeps sounding more and more fascinating the longer we know each other.

Dare I ask what started to rot on your kitchen table? Probably some sort of food, but after all this talk of bloated corpses and tongues my mind went in a different direction at first. ;)

Why do you think I don’t get on with my parents? I mean, you’re right. I didn’t when they were alive (they’re both dead now, mum of cancer and da of a stroke). They certainly wouldn’t have ‘happily complied’ if I’d have gone to them when I was five and said I didn’t want to be called John any more. They kicked up enough of a fuss when my sister started going by Harry.

There are absolutely rules governing my use of punctuation! The main one is that I add a comma when I would naturally pause if I was speaking, and I don’t add one if I wouldn’t pause. That’s why the question (not a sentence, if you’re going to judge my punctuation you should at least know the difference between the two) doesn’t have one and the sentence does. It might not be technically correct, but it’s got me this far with no complaints aside from yours.

Also, I’m curious. Were ‘independent clause’ and ‘conjunctive’ the first words that popped into your head, or did you have to look them up?

I’m starting to wonder if you’re not just jealous that I didn’t have as much trouble as you apparently did during the Hounds of Baskerville quest. There being a ‘correct way to play’ is just as much rot as all the rest, and considering you didn’t go on and on about it like the comma bollocks, I suspect you know it too. The only reason I couldn’t kill the spider was that I kept losing track of where I was and falling off the bloody cliff to my death. It’s nothing to do with strength and everything to do with my being a rubbish amateur who keeps pressing the wrong buttons on the keyboard. Hopefully I’ll improve as I play a bit more.

What’s there to do if there’s no more quests? And how do I tell what my level is? It says when I level up, but I don’t think I’ve seen a number?

Yes! 8 PM on Monday (tomorrow!) sounds brilliant! I’ve played Diggy Hole twice now, and I should warn you that I’m not very good. I’d probably be better if I could turn off the things that keep trying to kill me. You said there’s a way to do that?

So I suppose I’ll talk to you tomorrow?

John

 

 


	11. 3 May (Part 1)

8:06 p.m.

> <JohnHWatson joined the game.>

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Good, you made it. I was starting to worry I’d confused you._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Hello._

<JohnHWatson> Hi!

<JohnHWatson> Haha, no the instructions you emailed earlier were very thorough.

<JohnHWatson> I especially liked the little photos.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> The screen captures or the diagrams?_

<JohnHWatson> Both I suppose. It was all helpful. So thanks for that!

<JohnHWatson> You didn’t need to bother though. I could’ve managed on my own.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> I doubt it. _

<JohnHWatson> I added you on Steam all right didn’t I?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Connecting to a private server and messaging someone in-game is considerably more involved than messaging someone on Steam._

<JohnHWatson> Looking up, adding as a friend, and then messaging, you arse. :P

<JohnHWatson> Oh sorry. I mean ;)

_< ScienceOfDeduction> You can use whatever emoticons you want._

<JohnHWatson> Yeah, but it makes you think of a bloated corpse. Not exactly the sort of image I want you associating with me.

<JohnHWatson> Anyway, so this game.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Yes?_

<JohnHWatson> We should probably play at some point. We’re just standing here.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> What do you want to do?_

<JohnHWatson> Um. Dunno. You said there are no baddies right? What’s our objective then?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Our objective? I thought you’d played a bit already._

<JohnHWatson> I did! But there were enemies popping up then and I spent most of my time fighting them off.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> It’s a ‘sandbox’ game. You make your own objectives. In this case, it would usually be to search for suitable materials and to build something._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> I could turn enemy spawning back on if you’d prefer, but as I said, messaging might not be possible for you if we do that._

<JohnHWatson> No it’s fine. I mean, you obviously think I’m more pants at technology than I am which is a bit insulting, but it’s fine. ;)

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Your typing speed is abysmal, you don’t know how to check your level on Caranguard, and by your own account you are ‘rubbish’ at games._

<JohnHWatson> Rubbish at THIS game I said. I’m actually starting to think I’m quite good at Caranguard.

<JohnHWatson> Anyway, what do you want to build?

<JohnHWatson> A house maybe?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Dull._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Nuclear reactor?_

<JohnHWatson> How the hell are we going to build a nuclear reactor??

<JohnHWatson> Hey I know. Why don’t we just build a giant bloated corpse??

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Oh that’s interesting. Yes, let’s do._

<JohnHWatson> I wasn’t serious.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Why not? We’d have to use dye to get the colours right, which you can only find in chests deep underground, but that’s not a problem._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Unless that would be too time-consuming? Lots of searching and digging._

<JohnHWatson> I’m not making a giant corpse in a computer game. Time has nothing to do with it. We’re meant to be getting AWAY from the bloated corpses remember?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> There’s nothing wrong with bloated corpses. I’m quite fond of them, actually. I only ever took issue with the accuracy of the :P emoticon._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Would you honestly rather build a house? A nice little log cabin perhaps? Perfectly square and symmetrical, windows spaced equally apart?_

<JohnHWatson> Well no, but.....I mean.....

<JohnHWatson> Okay.

<JohnHWatson> Okay fine. We’ll build a giant bloated corpse. Male or female?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Doesn’t matter. But I want them to have been poisoned non-fatally and then dumped in a lake, where they drowned._

<JohnHWatson> Jesus. That’s a bit morbid isn’t it?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Maybe. But you’re amused by it._

<JohnHWatson> Am I? Know that for a fact do you?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Yes._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> We’ll need tools if we’re going to venture underground._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> I’ll craft them for us both. You find a good spot to dig._

<JohnHWatson> Knowing the game better than me doesn’t give you leave to order me about you know.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Do you want to make the tools? Do you know how to make tools?_

<JohnHWatson> I’ve already got tools.

<JohnHWatson> I’ve just said something stupid haven’t I?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Not at all. I’ve just realised how skilled you must be at Caranguard._

<JohnHWatson> Cock.

<JohnHWatson> You’re a cock that is. Not cock in general.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Yes, thank you, I did understand._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> In any case, those are starter tools. They’re abysmal. I’ll make better ones._

<JohnHWatson> Oh. All right I suppose. And I’ll just find somewhere to dig?

<JohnHWatson> What am I looking for? Just a good bit of land?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> A cave would be best. An opening at the surface that leads naturally underground. Try to find one that goes as deep as possible._

<JohnHWatson> Ah okay. I’m on it.

> <JohnHWatson has fallen to their death.>

_< ScienceOfDeduction> You fell? How did you fall?_

<JohnHWatson> Fuck

<JohnHWatson> Not a clue. I found a cave, but once I got far enough inside I couldn’t see anything.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Why didn’t you make torches?_

<JohnHWatson> How do you make torches?

<JohnHWatson> Sherlock?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> I’ll make them. Just stay where you are and I’ll find you when I’m done._

<JohnHWatson> Are you serious? It would take a minute if that to explain.

<JohnHWatson> No you know what, never mind.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> What?_

_< ScienceOfDeduction> John?_

_< ScienceOfDeduction> What are you doing?_

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Are you still there?_

_< ScienceOfDeduction> It’s a twig with a bit of charcoal on top. It makes five torches._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Sulking silently is childish, John._

<JohnHWatson> I wasn’t sulking. I was googling how to make a fucking torch.

<JohnHWatson> Also tools. I’ll be damned if I’m going to rely on you to make everything.

<JohnHWatson> Arsehole.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Do you call everyone you know inappropriate names?_

<JohnHWatson> No one else I know is so consistently infuriating.

<JohnHWatson> You know what I found, by the way? A comprehensive guide to Diggy Hole.

<JohnHWatson> Very thorough, very helpful. Lots of screen captures and diagrams.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> You’re still being childish._

<JohnHWatson> I wasn’t being childish before. Now I suppose I might be a bit.

<JohnHWatson> Anyway, I’m putting a trail of torches down for you to follow when you’re done.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Unnecessary but nevertheless appreciated._

> <JohnHWatson has fallen to their death.>

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Dare I ask?_

<JohnHWatson> Not a fucking word, you.

<JohnHWatson> Jumped a bit too far.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> :)_

_< ScienceOfDeduction> On my way._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Hello._

<JohnHWatson> Hi. You look like a knob.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> You don’t know what I look like._

<JohnHWatson> I meant your character. Why are you wearing armour if there aren’t enemies?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> To minimise other sorts of damage. Fall damage, for instance._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> :)_

<JohnHWatson> I’d respond with an angry face, but I don’t know how to do one.

<JohnHWatson> Wow, I really don’t know what you look like do I?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> You didn’t realise before now?_

<JohnHWatson> I wasn’t really thinking about it. I have a sort of mental image of what I think you look like. Forgot it wasn’t real.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> What do you think I look like?_

<JohnHWatson> I feel like this is one of those questions I’d be better off not answering, but…..Hang on, have to look up an actor’s name.

<JohnHWatson> A bit like a younger Mathieu Amalric, but with lighter hair and glasses.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Who?_

<JohnHWatson> He played the bad guy in Quantum of Solace.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> I don’t know what that is._

<JohnHWatson> Did you not see it? It’s the most recent Bond film.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> The what?_

<JohnHWatson> James Bond? 007? Doesn’t ring a bell?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> No. If I ever knew it in the first place, which is doubtful, I’d have deleted it. Popular culture would only clutter my mind._

<JohnHWatson> Deleted it? The brain isn’t like a computer, you can’t just press a button and delete things.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Mine is. It’s part of what makes me superior._

<JohnHWatson> My arse. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Says the man who wrote a blog post asking how to delete his blog._

<JohnHWatson> Piss off.

<JohnHWatson> What do you think I look like?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Like you. Your photo’s on your blog._

<JohnHWatson> Oh, right. I forgot.

<JohnHWatson> That’s not fair. You’ve seen me, but I don’t have any idea what you look like.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> You want me to send you a photograph?_

<JohnHWatson> Well I mean not if you’re uncomfortable with it. Maybe just a description?

<JohnHWatson> But it’s fine if you don’t want to. I understand and I won’t be upset or anything.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> No it’s fine._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> I’m a white male. Quite pale, or so I’ve been told. 1.85 metres tall and weighing 79 kilogrammes last I checked, which was about two months ago. My hair is curly and dark brown, nearly black. I’ve sectoral heterochromia, which makes my eye colour somewhat difficult to discern; blue or green are what they appear most commonly. I don’t wear glasses unless they’re required for a disguise. No especially prominent marks or scars, nor any particularly striking features. As far as clothes go, I prefer to wear dark-coloured, bespoke suits. No ties if I can help it._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Is that a sufficient description, or do you want to know something else?_

<JohnHWatson> No that’s...that’s more than sufficient. Thanks.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Too much?_

<JohnHWatson> Of course not! Just impressively thorough. Seems to be your specialty. :)

_< ScienceOfDeduction> I’d be a poor consulting detective if I weren’t._

<JohnHWatson> Also a poor writer of video game guides.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Just the one so far. Perhaps I’ll start on one for Diggy Hole next._

<JohnHWatson> I’m getting a lot of marble. Is that good?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Yes. We’ll use it for the skin, so we need lots._

<JohnHWatson> What else do we need?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Blue, purple, white, red, brown, and black dyes. Ebony ore. Cotton wool. Iron, gold, and platinum ores, plus sapphires, rubies, and emeralds, to make stronger tools. Diamonds would be helpful although not essential._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> That list might change once we start building, obviously._

<JohnHWatson> Okay.

<JohnHWatson> I’m going to explore down this corridor I think. Unless you’d rather I stay with you?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Fine._

<JohnHWatson> So how’s the weather in your part of London? ;)

_< ScienceOfDeduction> What?_

<JohnHWatson> Just trying to make small talk, keep the interaction going. The silence is a bit dull.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> We’re communicating via typed messages._

<JohnHWatson> You know what I mean!

_< ScienceOfDeduction> I’ve no idea about the weather. I’ve been inside all day._

<JohnHWatson> It wasn’t really a serious question. What did you do inside all day?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Was that a serious question?_

<JohnHWatson> Yes.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Typed up notes about my latest case for the website, searched my inbox for a new case that sounded interesting, solved most of the cases I could over email, sent rejections for the ones I couldn’t be bothered to try, and put together the Diggy Hole multiplayer instructions I sent you._

<JohnHWatson> You solve cases over email?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> It’s tedious, but it takes less than a minute and stops people from bombarding me with follow-up emails asking if I got their first one._

<JohnHWatson> No, I mean, you CAN solve cases over email? Without even seeing or talking to anyone? In less than a minute?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Of course. It’s child’s play._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> You don’t believe me?_

<JohnHWatson> I don’t NOT believe you.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Do you want to see an example of a typical email exchange?_

<JohnHWatson> Not really, definitely not now. We’re still playing. :)

<JohnHWatson> What does it mean if I can’t pick up anything anymore? Everything I mine just sort of hovers near the ground and I just walk through it.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Your inventory is probably full. Although I can’t imagine how you managed that when we haven’t dug down very far yet._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> I’ll make a chest and put it near the cave entrance. You can empty your inventory into that._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> All right. Chest is placed. Press the I key to access your inventory. You should be able to click and drag items into the chest._

<JohnHWatson> Cheers!

_< ScienceOfDeduction> After you’ve finished dropping everything off, would you mind if we left off for the night?_

<JohnHWatson> You want to stop playing??

_< ScienceOfDeduction> If you don’t mind. I’ve just remembered something I need to do._

<JohnHWatson> Yeah of course! Sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Not a problem. I enjoyed this._

<JohnHWatson> So did I! We should do it again.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Yes._

<JohnHWatson> Soon.

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Yes._

<JohnHWatson> All right, my inventory is empty again. Do I just log off like I usually would?

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Yes. I’ll respond to your email tomorrow._

<JohnHWatson> No hurry. Have a good night! :)

_< ScienceOfDeduction> Good night._

_< ScienceOfDeduction> :)_

> <JohnHWatson left the game.>

 

 


	12. 3 May (Part 2)

9:48 p.m.

Did you just forward me an email exchange with a client?

_Obviously. You didn’t believe me. I provided proof. SH_

I told you, I didn’t NOT believe you!

_You’ll notice that I deduced her fiance was cheating on her from her email signature? SH_

I saw. And she thanked you for your bluntness and said you saved her life.

_Melodramatic. The only thing I saved her from was a brief period of continued ignorance. SH_

Just for my own peace of mind, this wasn’t the thing you suddenly remembered you needed to do was it?

_Of course not. That would be ridiculous. SH_

A bit yeah. Which is why I thought you might’ve done.

_It was ridiculous, so you thought I’d done it? SH_

Something like that. Was I wrong?

_Yes you were wrong. Didn’t I just say you were wrong? SH_

Right sorry, my mistake. Forget I said anything then.

_You were meant to be impressed. SH_

I am impressed, that was brilliant what you did in the email! A bit long winded maybe, but brilliant.

_It was an email; no wind was involved. SH_

_You realise this is the second time tonight you’ve shown a lack of understanding about the difference between spoken and typed words? SH_

You realise this is the 87th time in all our conversations you’ve ignored what I said just so you can complain about how I said it?

_That’s quite specific. Keeping track? SH_

I could do, start a little chart of all the times you’re deliberately being a prat.

_Then I’ll be sure to start a spreadsheet of all the times you call me rude names. SH_

Sure, we can compare. We might even find a correlation. ;)

Prat isn’t rude by the way.

_It’s not kind. SH_

Fair enough. It doesn’t bother you does it, the names?

_No. You keep seeking out opportunities to interact with me, so the names obviously aren’t a reflection of your opinion of me. SH_

They’re not.

Speaking of, I’d much rather faff about building bloated corpses with you than watch you show off.

No matter how impressive you are.

Just something to keep in mind for next time.

_Noted. SH_

Sorry I doubted you, by the way. I suppose I’m too used to dealing with ordinary people. ;)

_Yes, that can certainly lower your expectations. SH_

_You needn’t apologise, though. I wasn’t bothered. SH_

No of course not. You don’t get upset do you?

_No. SH_

Never bit anyone’s head off because they pointed out you were wrong or they didn’t use a comma in the right place?

_I never bit your head off over a comma. SH_

You went on about a comma for about five paragraphs.

_Two at most. SH_

_Do you even know what a paragraph is? SH_

_And it wasn’t a comma; it was a pattern of comma usage. SH_

I can’t believe we’re talking about this in texts as well as emails now.

_You brought it up! SH_

That’s true. I did. :)

Anyway, sorry, I’m probably distracting you from whatever you need to do that apparently isn’t to prove me wrong as soon as possible.

_Not terribly. SH_

_Fortunately, it doesn’t require much of my focus to text you. SH_

Cheers. :P

And do feel free to picture a bloated corpse there.

_Late in the bloat phase, I assume, since the eyeballs seem to have flattened. SH_

Obviously.

Anyway, I’ll give you back the tiny bit of focus I was robbing you of. Good night again! :)

_Good night. SH_

 

 


	13. 4 May (Part 1)

1:39 p.m.

John,

Mr Hudson committed double murder. Quite viciously as well: the bodies were found mutilated, decapitated, and partially eaten by animals. A business deal gone wrong, so to speak. (Mr Hudson was a considerably profitable drug lord, and his victims were petty dealers.) It wasn’t a dull case, but neither was it especially interesting. He’d already been convicted (albeit most of the evidence was circumstantial); it was just a matter of providing the appeals court with solid, undeniable proof of his guilt, which was simple enough.

Interesting cases are ones in which the police are completely baffled. Locked-room murders are always a favourite, as are any other cases where the criminal has been particularly clever. If you think of a case as a crossword puzzle, then I prefer the ones with the least number of letters already filled in and no one else’s scribblings to impede my work.

As for what was rotting on the kitchen table, your first thought wasn’t far off. I was comparing the dehydration and visible shrinkage of male and female fingers after death, which required a set of fingers from both male and female corpses. Fortunately, I was able to get some data before I was forced to dispose of them.

I knew you didn’t get on with your parents because you commented on the amiability of my relationship with mine. Only someone with a poor relationship with their own parents would think to comment on it. To everyone else, it would seem natural.

Your punctuation ‘rules’ undermine the entire function of punctuation in the first place, which is to provide a structure for written language to conform to so that the meaning is universally understandable. The range of dialects and individual idiosyncrasies throughout the English language being as vast as they are, there is no standard place to ‘pause’ in any sentence. And in response to your _interrogative sentence_ (‘question’), of course I didn’t have to look up the proper grammatical terms. Just because you’ve dispensed with primary school grammar lessons doesn’t mean the rest of us have.

I’m not going to argue about video games with someone who had to be told that his inventory was full because he couldn’t deduce it on his own.

After the main quests are complete in Caranguard, there are still enemies to fight, repeatable quests to complete (e.g., the Come and Play duel quests), and random encounters to have. There’s also no cap on levels, so you can keep getting stronger and gaining skills. Playing after the storyline is finished allows you to experience the flavour of the game again without having to bother with the tedious tutorial bits, if for instance you wanted to return to the game at some point after you’d not played for a significant period of time.

To see your current level, press the Tab key. The number in the upper-left corner is your level. This is also how you access your skill tree, incidentally.

I apologise for ending the game so abruptly last night. Are you interested in playing more Diggy Hole multiplayer in the future?

Also, since you expressed displeasure at the unfairness of my having seen your picture when you’ve not seen mine, I’m attaching a photograph of myself.

Sherlock


	14. 4 May (Part 2)

7:01 p.m.

I think I just met your brother.

_Receding hairline, large nose, three-piece suit with a red tie, and a perpetual expression like he’s just smelt something foul? SH_

That’s a good description yeah.

_Then yes, you’ve met my brother. SH_

You were right, overdramatic knob is an understatement. How’d you know his tie was red?

_He favours a red tie when he’s trying to appear intimidating. SH_

_He had you driven to an abandoned warehouse, I assume. And he offered you money to spy on me? SH_

Yeah. Not sure why since it’s not like you and I have ever met.

_Did you agree? SH_

No….?

_Pity. We could’ve split the fee. SH_

That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say about it?

_Should I have something else to say? SH_

_Surely you don’t expect me to apologise for Mycroft. It’s not my fault he’s an overdramatic knob. SH_

_Fine: I’m sorry. SH_

_I suspected he would contact you and try to intimidate you eventually, and I should have warned you. SH_

_John? SH_

Hi, sorry, popped into a shop!

_For thirty minutes? SH_

Took longer than I expected, sorry.

You didn’t have to apologise, I was just surprised you didn’t care more.

I’d be furious if I found out Harry was trying to intimidate my friends.

_Presumably it would be out of character for her. It’s far from out of character for Mycroft. SH_

_I’m your friend? You and I have never met. SH_

Doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Also we could meet if you wanted. We do live in the same city.

_Yes. We do. SH_

I mean we spent an hour playing a video game together. Of course we’re friends. ;)

Speaking of, I just bought a headset!

_That’s what you spent thirty minutes doing? SH_

Yeah!

_Why? SH_

Honestly? Because it’s bloody boring without any combat.

And because you were right, I’m a stupidly slow typist.

_Of course I was. I’m always right. SH_

_It was boring? SH_

I liked talking to you, but the game was boring. Building things just isn’t for me.

I thought I might fend off the baddies while you do the gathering supplies and building bits. :)

Unless that ruins the fun for you?

_Not at all. Actually, the danger would add more of a challenge. SH_

Exactly. ;)

It might take a bit to figure out what I’m doing with the headset. I’ll respond to your email tomorrow and let you know when I can give it a go. :)

_All right. SH_

_What did he say? SH_

Sorry?

_Mycroft. He offered you money, but did he say anything else of note? SH_

He had my ex therapist’s notes and he read a bit from them to try and unnerve me.

Then he asked about my connection to you and I told him to piss off.

That’s about it really. He said some rubbish about the war at the end, but I wasn’t really listening by that point.

_Ah. SH_

_What did you think of his umbrella? SH_

Oh god when I got there he was bloody posed with it, just leaned against it with his ankles crossed.

Had he been that way long do you think??

_Probably upwards of two minutes, at least. He does love to be dramatic. SH_

Funny, you know he said the same thing about you. Also that YOU call him your archenemy, not that he calls himself it.

_He’s grossly mistaken. SH_

Oh yeah I know. Course he is.

_I’ve always suspected that he practises posing with an umbrella in front of a mirror on a regular basis. SH_

_Although I admit I haven’t put forth the effort to prove it. Not worth subjecting myself to his knobbish presence. SH_

People are staring because I’m snickering to myself in a tube station I’ll have you know.

_:) SH_

_Let me know if you need assistance installing the headset. I’m sure I can send you more detailed instructions than whatever it came with. SH_

Hopefully I won’t, but all right. Thanks. :)

 

 


	15. 5 May

9:10 a.m.

Sherlock,

Wow. You look nothing like I imagined. I mean I know you described yourself that one time, but I still didn’t picture you like that. Wow. How recently was this photo taken?

Mr Hudson doesn’t sound like he was a very nice man. I suppose that’s why Mrs Hudson was thankful he was executed. Do you get many ‘interesting’ cases? I know you said on your website that you’ll only accept interesting ones, but it’s starting to seem like you have to lower your standards sometimes (often?).

You left rotting human fingers on your kitchen table?? For how long?? And where did you get them?? I can’t believe your landlady didn’t call the police or at least throw you out! Do you often have body parts just lying about your flat while you experiment on them? I’m not really sure what to say to that. I mean, a lot of people would probably be alarmed, but I’m mostly just curious. Suppose that says more about me than you doesn’t it?

You mean to tell me you ‘delete’ pop culture because it clutters your mind, but you keep a full index of grammar words? Why, so you can lord it over people like me? Rubbish. I don’t believe it for a second. The rules themselves sure, but the actual terminology? Not a second. And as for my punctuation, you can try to correct me if you want, but I can’t guarantee any of it will stick. Not to mention it obviously doesn’t bother you too much since you’re still talking to me, grammatical moron or not. :)

You’re only proving my point about the video games, you know. ;) Anyway, apparently I’m level 26 in Caranguard. I knew how to get to the skill tree (didn’t know that’s what it was called though) but I didn’t see the level bit up in the corner. Thanks!

Absolutely we should play more Diggy Hole! This time with baddies on like I said in my text earlier. I’ve got the headset installed (I think?? Hard to tell really since I can’t exactly test it on my own). How does tomorrow sound? 8:00 PM again?

John

 

* * *

 

4:11 p.m.

John,

The photo was taken just before I sent it to you. I don’t keep photographs of myself on hand for situations like this. Why do you ask? And how does my actual appearance differ from what you imagined? Surely it can’t be different enough to truly warrant two ‘Wow’s?

No, unfortunately the number of truly interesting cases grows smaller and smaller every year, it seems. I haven’t had a proper challenge in months. I’ve had to lower my standards for cases and widen the scope of my gaming to prevent my mind from devouring itself in boredom. Believe me, it’s a state of affairs I lament daily.

That you aren’t alarmed by the idea of my experimenting on body parts says only that you are refreshingly less dull and dim-witted than the rest of humanity. As I told Mrs Hudson when she was demanding I dispose of the fingers, it’s customary to keep dead livestock in the freezer and gift others with dying plants, but experimenting on dead humans for the sake of furthering my knowledge and enabling me to more quickly identify and catch murderers is somehow alarming. Ridiculous.

In any case, the fingers weren’t on the table for long. Two or three days at most. I’d meant to keep closer watch over them, but my experiments were interrupted and I was distracted. It’s not the worst that could have happened. It took less than a day for the smell to dissipate.

Amusing as it would be to edit your emails, what’s the point of correcting your grammar if none of it will ‘stick’? Besides, your emails aren’t unreadable. You’ve at least a basic understanding of proper capitalisation and sentence syntax, you refrain from ‘text speak’ (aside from the emoticons, which I don’t find offensive), and you make minimal typos. None of your punctuation errors have been so grave that I’ve been tempted to cut off contact (which has happened in the past, particularly with people I’ve encountered as a result of video games).

Level 26? If you’re level 26 now, then you must have been level 23 or 24 when you completed the Hounds of Baskerville last week. Are you sure you aren’t playing it on the easy setting? What is your playing style, and what sort of character are you developing?

There are a number of ways to test the functionality of a headset on your own, actually. I’ll write up a short guide and email it to you in a moment, just to be sure.

In any case, 8 PM tomorrow is acceptable. I’ll be sure to turn enemy spawning back on.

Sherlock

 

 


	16. 6 May

7:40 p.m.

> <Game mode changed.>
> 
> <Giving ScienceOfDeduction some 264.>
> 
> <ScienceOfDeduction was killed by an assassin.>
> 
> <ScienceOfDeduction was killed by an assassin.>
> 
> <ScienceOfDeduction was killed by an assassin.>
> 
> <JohnHWatson joined the game.>

“Err… um. Hullo? Sherlock?”

_“Hello, John.”_

“Oh wow, um. Hi.”

_“‘Wow’?”_

“You, erm. Well, you don’t sound at all like I imagined.”

_“Seems to be becoming a habit. You said I don’t look like you imagined either.”_

“[chuckling, sheepishly] Yeah, sorry. I—”

_“It’s fine. How did you imagine I’d sound?”_

“I’m… not sure, actually. I suppose just not as deep. Your voice is sort of booming in my ears.”

_“Is it? It could be that you need to adjust your volume settings.”_

“Yeah, no, I’m… [laughing] I’m pretty sure not. As always, your instructions were very, very thorough. Thanks for that, by the way. They were loads clearer than the little pamphlet the headset came with.”

_“Of course they were.”_

“You might’ve overdone it a bit.”

_“In your last email, you said you weren’t sure you had installed the headset correctly. Helping you isn’t overdoing it when you as good as asked for assistance.”_

“You emailed me instructions for four separate brands of headsets. That’s overdoing it.”

_“It didn’t take long to do. And you just said, it was helpful.”_

“It was helpful and I appreciate it. I just mean you didn’t—”

_“Where are you? I just went back to the spawn point, but you aren’t here.”_

“The what? I was looking for you. You aren’t in the cave where we were digging last time.”

_“Obviously. Stay where you are. I’ll find you.”_

“Oh will you? Why don’t you stay _there_ and I’ll find _you_?”

_“[sighing] Don’t be difficult. This’ll go much more smoothly if you just do as I say.”_

“Smoothly for who? I’m not sure how ordering me about makes—”

_“Shit.”_

“What? What’s wrong?”

_“Nothing. Nothing is—oh damn.”_

> <ScienceOfDeduction was eaten by a zombie.>

_“Shut up.”_

“I didn’t say anything.”

_“You were thinking.”_

“Yeah, funny thing, that. I’m usually thinking. Part of being alive and all that. Since you can’t seem to manage, why don’t you stay where you are and I’ll find you?”

_“[sighing, dramatically] Fine. I’m at the spawn point.”_

“Uh-huh. Okay. Gonna need a bit more to go on since that means bugger-all to me.”

_“That’s where the game puts us when we join the game. The place with the exceptionally large tree and—”_

“Got it, thanks. Nearly there. Just around this bit and—and there you are. Hello!”

_“Hello. I see you changed the appearance of your character.”_

“I did, yeah. Found a guide about it online yesterday. Seemed a shame to keep using the default if I didn’t have to. Anyway, I’m going to pick up some copper from the chest so I can make a sword.”

_“Mm. So you decided to be a woman instead.”_

“Yeah…. You say that like there’s something wrong with it.”

_“Wrong with it, no, not exactly. I just hadn’t realised you were the type.”_

“What do you mean, ‘the type’? And where’s our copper?”

_“Used it all.”_

“You used it all? When? And doing what?”

_“Upgrading my armour.”_

“Lot of good that did, you cock. You still got killed by a zombie. Anyway, ‘the type’?”

_“The stereotypical hyper-heterosexual male gamer. Making all your characters scantily clad females so you can watch various parts of their body bounce or jiggle or whatever it is they do.”_

“That’s not why I made my character a woman! And are we even playing the same game? Pretty sure there’s nothing bouncing or jiggling anywhere.”

_“I wouldn’t know. I haven’t been looking.”_

“Neither have I!”

_“Oh, bugger. Watch out.”_

“Wh—oh, it’s fine. I’ve got it.”

_“You don’t have any armour or weapons. You won’t possibly....”_

“...”

_“...”_

“Sorry, what were you saying?”

_“You.... You just defeated an assassin with your bare hands.”_

“With a stick, actually. But don’t worry, it did a lot of damage before I finally got it. I’m nearly dead.”

_“Why would I be worried?”_

“No reason. Thank god for regenerating health. All right, go get me more copper and I’ll cover you.”

 _“_ I _get you more copper?”_

“You were the one who used it all.”

_“... All right, fine, yes.”_

“Thank you.”

_“...”_

“So, speaking of women. Do you, erm.”

_“Think very carefully before you finish that sentence.”_

“I… what? Why? I’m just making small talk!”

_“Asking about women is small talk?”_

“Asking people about themselves is! But if you don’t want me to, then fine. I’ll shut up.”

_“Thank you.”_

“...”

_“...”_

“...”

_“Oh, for god’s sake. Fine. Ask.”_

“No, it’s fine. You’re right. It is prying a bit and—”

_“Then I’ll ask for you. [mockingly] Do I have a girlfriend?”_

“... Well. Do you?”

_“No, not really my area.”_

“Oh… oh! Right, um. Right.”

_“Problem?”_

“No! No, of course not. Sorry, you just caught me off guard. I suppose I just assumed—”

_“Best not to assume. It’s always risky.”_

“Sorry. It really isn’t a problem though. It’s fine, it’s… good. Thanks for telling me.”

_“...”_

“Erm. Do you have a… a boyfriend?”

_“No.”_

“Oh. So you’re unattached, like me.”

_“Yes.”_

“Okay. That’s—bugger.”

> <JohnHWatson has fallen to their death.>

_“Well done. Which of us isn’t managing, again?”_

“Shut up. Timing jumps can be complicated.”

_“I’ve got your copper whenever you make it back. Should be enough to make a sword.”_

“All right. Just give me a mo’. It’s pitch-black out now. A bit harder to navigate even with torches.”

_“It’s fine. I’m still digging.”_

“Okay.”

_“...”_

“So, erm. The friend you mentioned a few days ago, the one who got you interested in video games?

_“Yes?”_

“Was he, um.”

_“Was he…? Ah, you think that because I’m gay and he was male, our relationship must have been romantic or sexual in nature.”_

“Of course I don’t! I think that because you got uncomfortable when we talked about him before.”

_“No I didn’t.”_

“You did. You changed the subject immediately, and now you’re talking about him in the past tense, like he was maybe more than a friend for a bit but the relationship ended at some point.”

_“I’m talking about him in the past tense because he’s dead.”_

“Oh. Oh, shit. I’m sorry.”

_“And he was never anything but a… a friend I suppose is the word people use, yes.”_

“I’m so sorry. I’m a tit.”

_“Well, at least you admit it.”_

“...”

> <ScienceOfDeduction was slimed.>

_“... [sighing] I suppose you weren’t entirely off-base. He was never anything but a friend, but I was… very fond of him. More so than he was of me.”_

“He wasn’t interested in you like that, or he wasn’t, um. Like you?”

_“Both.”_

“I’m sorry. How did he die?”

_“Overdose. Intravenous heroin.”_

“God. I’m sorry.”

_“Stop apologising. You didn’t kill him. And anyway, it was nearly a decade ago. I’ve moved on. But it makes other people uncomfortable for one reason or another, so I try to avoid the entire topic.”_

“Well, it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. So if you ever want to talk about it….”

_“No.”_

“All right.”

_“...”_

“Do you want to stop playing for tonight?”

_“Of course I don’t want to stop. Why would I want to stop?”_

“Dunno, it just seemed like I should ask. In case you were upset.”

_“I’m not. As I said, it was a long time ago. And I don’t get upset.”_

“You really do, but… okay.”

_“Now if you’re finished with your interrogation, I believe you promised to ‘fend off baddies’, and over the last several minutes, I’ve been attacked repeatedly by slimes.”_

“Right, sorry, I was.... Got a bit distracted. I’m on my way.”

_“Is my voice still booming in your ears? I adjusted the microphone settings, but you’ve not said anything.”_

“Oh, no, it’s fine! I mean, it was fine in the first place. It wasn’t booming in a bad way, just sort of... you know when someone’s voice is so deep it’s like you can feel the rumble of it just as much as you can hear it?”

_“No. I can’t say I’ve ever experienced that.”_

“Well, it’s not bad. Just a bit surprising at first, but you more or less get used to it.”

_"More or less?"_

“Well. I mean, erm. It’s not like—”

_“Oh.”_

“[quickly] What?”

_“You changed your character.”_

“Oh. Yeah. Well. [chuckling] A hyper-sexual gamer isn’t exactly the sort of person I want to come off as, you know?”

_“Mm.”_

“And it was easy enough to change back.”

_“Yes, I suppose so.”_

“... Are you all right?”

_“Of course.”_

“Really? Because you sound a bit terse now. Should I go?”

_“No! Ugh. Stop offering to go. Believe me when I say that if I wanted you to leave, you’d know it. I’m not subtle about those sorts of things.”_

“Okay, okay! Sorry. I—”

_“Here’s your copper. Also several bars of platinum. Much stronger than copper.”_

“Oh! Thanks.”

_“If you go down the lighted corridor to the left, I’ve walled off perhaps a dozen pink slimes and at least one black slime. Probably a zombie or two as well now. Should keep you busy for a bit.”_

“You walled them off?”

_“Blocked their path with a stone wall, yes. I did say I was being attacked, and you weren’t here to—”_

“No, right, I get it. I'll just make a sword and deal with them, shall I?”

_“Yes. Also, there’s a cavern down that way that looks to be quite deep. Could be worth exploring.”_

“Okay.”

_“...”_

“Right. So... how was your day, erm, today?”

_“Small talk again?”_

“Well—”

_“You couldn’t have chosen a more interesting question to lead with?”_

“Oi! It was the first thing that popped into my head. And you weren’t saying anything, so....”

_“Ah, yes. ‘Silence is a bit dull’, was it?”_

“Silence is fine, actually. I don’t mind it sometimes. Only I’m here because I like talking to you, so I’d rather talk if it’s all the same to you.”

_“You like talking to me?”_

“Yeah. Course I do. You know I do. I’ve said it before.”

_“Oh.”_

“So?”

_“Hm?”_

“How was your day?”

_“My day. My day was... uneventful.”_

“The good sort or the bad sort?”

_“There’s a good sort?”_

“[chuckling] So I’ve heard. Never experienced it myself. My day wasn’t very eventful either if that makes you feel any better.”

_“Mm. You had a short shift at the surgery this morning?”_

“I—I did actually, yeah. How did you—”

_“Your blog. You said your Thursdays are mostly open because you only work mornings then.”_

“You read my blog?”

_“I glance at it every now and again. Your arbitrary punctuation and your frankly excessive use of adverbs mean I can only manage very small bits of it at a time.”_

“Hang on. I didn’t say that in the blog. I said it in a comment. You’re reading the comments?”

_“Not regularly. I might’ve glanced at a few.”_

“‘Small bits of it at a time’, my arse. You’re following it.”

_“Hardly.”_

“You are. I’d noticed the number on the little counter on the side suddenly jumped higher. Is that because of you?”

_“Don’t be ridiculous. And why do you sound so gleeful?”_

“Dunno, actually. It just makes me feel... good, I suppose. To know someone’s following my blog. Especially since it’s apparently shit, according to you.”

_“You have other people following your blog. Your sister, for one, and your friend Bill—”_

“[laughing] Oh god, you really—”

> <JohnHWatson was slimed.>

“—can’t pretend like you aren’t following it now. If you’re paying attention to who’s commenting.”

_“You’ve just died, you know.”_

“Yeah, I noticed. Cheers.”

_“It’s rather like a train wreck, your blog. My first visit, I was so distracted by the number of exclamation points that I decided to count them. Your record is seven in a four-sentence entry, incidentally, which truly is an accomplishment although perhaps not one to brag about.”_

“Oh piss off. Smartarse. And if I were typing right now, there’d be a little winky face after that, by the way.”

_“Would there?”_

“Oh yeah. Maybe a bloated corpse face too, since I know you like that sort of thing.”

> <ScienceOfDeduction was slimed.>

“Oh shit, I didn’t close the wall back up, did I?”

_“Apparently not. Are you going to reply to my email?”_

“I… what? What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

_“We were talking about your Thursdays being mostly open and it reminded me. I expected to get a response before we played tonight, but I didn’t.”_

“Oh, um.”

_“[quickly] I don’t mind, obviously. Whether you do or don’t email me back in a reasonable timeframe, that is. Really I only noticed because my expectations so rarely don’t come to pass.”_

“I, erm. I was trying not bother you too much. And since I knew we were going to talk tonight anyway.... I didn’t really think about what it might look like on your end. Sorry if I worried you.”

_“I wasn’t worried. And you’re not bothering me. Why do you think you’re bothering me?”_

“I suppose I don’t, really. I dunno. Harry just said something and… I dunno. We’re emailing almost daily, you and I.”

_“[slowly] Yes. We are.”_

“Multiple times in one day seemed like a lot, I suppose. Anyway. Just ignore me. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I could respond to it verbally now if you want.”

_“That’s hardly necessary. Like I said, I only noticed the lack of a response. I wasn’t bothered by it.”_

“Probably couldn’t remember it all off the top of my head anyway. [teasingly] Just you being a twat about grammar and that bloody Caranguard quest, as usual.”

_“That’s a new one. I don’t think you’ve called me a twat before.”_

“You’d best mark it on your spreadsheet then.”

_“Mm. So now it’s cock, smartarse, prat—”_

“[bark of laughter] God, it sounds strange when you swear.”

_“Why? Because of my ‘booming’ voice?”_

“No. Well… maybe. Which reminds me: ‘no distinguishing features’, my arse.”

_“I never said I had no distinguishing features. I said I didn’t have any particularly striking features, I believe.”_

“Even worse, to be honest. You bloody do. Have you seen yourself?”

_“I beg your pardon?”_

“You have cheekbones and hair and eyes—”

_“All of which are relatively common in humans, last I checked.”_

“Not like yours, you knob. As a doctor and a fellow human, I can safely say that yours are very striking.”

_“I....”_

“Okay, that might’ve come off a way I didn’t mean it to, sorry. But you know what I mean.”

_“Do I?”_

“Just that, you know… you’re not an average-looking person, as far as people go. You’d probably have women falling all over themselves over you, if you were into that sort of thing. Maybe men too, I dunno. I don’t know what men like in other men.”

_“...”_

“Still there?”

_“That might be the strangest compliment I’ve ever received. I assume it’s a compliment. Was it a compliment?”_

“It was supposed to be, yeah. Erm—fuck.”

> <JohnHWatson got themselves blown up.>

_“Nicely done.”_

“I’m not really sure what just happened.”

_“You probably set off a trap. It’s easy to trod over pressure plates down here if you don’t know what you’re looking for.”_

“Did you get hurt?”

_“A bit. You obviously bore the brunt of the damage. Gives us a good place to stop, though, since I should be going.”_

“What? Now? We’ve barely played anything yet.”

_“It’s been more than an hour—”_

“Barely!”

_“—and you work long days on Fridays.”_

“Did you get that from my blog too?”

_“Yes. So as it’s probably not a good idea to swab throats and give flu jabs whilst sleep-deprived, you should go before you get so involved in the game that you’re tempted to forego sleep in favour of playing it.”_

“I suppose so…. Did I offend you, just now? I know my compliment was a bit shit, but I did mean it sincerely.”

_“You didn’t offend me. That’s nothing to do with it. I simply have a… limited threshold for social interaction, and I suspect I’m nearing my limit. I’d prefer not to venture any nearer, if it’s all the same to you.”_

“Oh! Yeah, course. You should go then. We’ll do this again, though, yeah? Maybe when I don’t have work the next day.”

_“Yes.”_

“Okay. Good, that’s... good. I’ll respond to your email tomorrow.”

_“I’ll look forward to it.”_

“All right, well. Good night!”

_“Good night, John.”_

> <JohnHWatson left the game.>
> 
> <Game mode changed.>

 

 


	17. 7 May (Part 1)

3:49 p.m.

Have you heard of Outskirts?

_Of course I have. SH_

Played any of it?

_A bit. SH_

Some people online are saying the multiplayer part is fun. Know anything about that?

_I’ve heard about it, yes. SH_

_Aren’t you meant to be working? SH_

I left early.

_I see. By choice? SH_

Sort of. I got a bit shirty with a patient so it was ‘strongly encouraged’ that I take the rest of the day off.

_The patient deserved it, I assume? SH_

I thought so. Anyway, think you might want to give Outskirts a go sometime?

_Outskirts is an excessively violent game with an overreliance on crude humour. SH_

Okay...?

_There are guns and bombs. Lots of noisy explosions, sprays of blood, and flying body parts. SH_

Is that a no?

_That’s me reminding you why you didn’t like Warfare 3. SH_

Yeah, but I didn’t have you then. I think it’ll be more fun with you. ;)

So?

_All right. SH_

Good. :)

Anyway, sorry to bother you.

_You didn’t bother me. I’ve nothing on today. SH_

_Do you need anything else? SH_

No that was it. But I can find something else to say if you’re bored. ;)

_I’m not bored. Why would I be bored? SH_

I don’t know. Just seemed for a moment like you wanted to be distracted.

Suppose I might be projecting a bit though.

_What happened? SH_

What do you mean?

_I mean that something else happened today aside from you getting ‘shirty’ with someone. What was it? SH_

The doctor I was filling in for will be back from maternity leave in a little over a week.

A bit dim of me, but I’d sort of forgotten about that. It’s been my longest stint as a locum.

Soon I’ll be back to having nothing to do and no income.

Sorry, I don’t mean to be dour.

_You’re not. SH_

_You’ll still have Caranguard. SH_

Yeah but I won’t get paid for playing it.

Plus it’s been nice to get out of the flat for a bit and talk to people. To do something, you know?

_Yes. SH_

Anyway, that’s all. So I was in a shit mood right from the start.

Then a man came in thinking I would prescribe him anything he sodding wanted and I lost my temper a bit.

And here I am texting you and avoiding going back to Harry’s because I’m fairly certain we’ll just get into a row if I see her.

Sorry, ignore all that. I don’t usually do this.

_There’s a video game shop on Regent Street. Do you know it? SH_

Er, no. I mean obviously I know where Regent Street is but I didn’t know there was a game shop there. Why?

_Go there. Not the best stock of PC games as it’s more of a console shop, but it’s worth popping into at least. SH_

Are you serious?

_Of course. It’ll give you something to do and keep you away from your sister’s flat a bit longer. SH_

I’ll be the oldest person in the shop by at least a decade.

_Not if I meet you there. SH_

What?

_Would you prefer if I met you there? You still might be the oldest person there, but this way it’ll only be by five years and two months. SH_

_Then we could get dinner after if you’re amenable? SH_

Sure! Yeah that sounds brilliant if you’re all right with it. Sure you actually want to meet me?

_Yes. Of course I do. SH_

_An hour from now? Will that give you enough time? SH_

Should do yeah.

_Good. SH_

Okay. I’ll see you there I guess?

_Yes. SH_

_:) SH_

 


	18. 7 May (Part 2)

8:02 p.m.

_Again, I’m sorry. SH_

_It wasn’t my intention to make you uncomfortable. SH_

_Apparently I misunderstood. I admit that it happens more often than I would prefer. SH_

_John? SH_

 

 


	19. 10 May

9:00 a.m.

_I bought Outskirts on Steam, assuming you’re still interested in playing it. SH_

_If it’s not already obvious, rest assured that I expect nothing. SH_

_I’m happy to move past my regrettable gaffe at Angelo’s, and I hope that you are as well. SH_

_:) SH_

 

 


	20. 15 May

11:35 p.m.

Sherlock,

Sorry for the radio silence. I’ve been busy. Tarting up my CV and trying (failing to be honest) to network and look for a new job, things like that. I’ve also been working longer hours at the surgery this week since it’s my last. I thought it’d be best to leave on the highest note possible, you know?

I haven’t been gaming much either. I tried to play Caranguard earlier tonight, but I couldn’t remember what I’d been doing the last time I played except that I was in a cave and in the middle of the quest. Kept dying too. Eventually I just turned it off.

Anyway. How are you? Are you working any cases right now? Or playing anything new?

John

 

 


	21. 16 and 17 May

16 May, 6:10 a.m.

John,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been busy. I’ve never had traditional full-time employment—the very thought of it is hateful, in fact—but from what I understand, the loss of it usually comes with a great deal of stress.

As a result of my consulting work, I’m in somewhat regular contact with various members of the London medical community. I could put in a good word for you at Bart’s, for example, as I know several people on staff there.

Do you have any interest in teaching?

I’m also sorry to hear you haven’t been gaming. In Caranguard, pressing the J on your keyboard opens your journal, where you can review your current quest and remind yourself of your objective. It’s also possible to change the difficulty level until you’ve reacquainted yourself with the game mechanics and combat system. The last time we discussed difficulty levels, you said your game was set to normal, yes? You can change it to the easy setting in the options menu, which you can access by pressing the escape key.

My week has been uneventful. No new cases of note, and the only game I’ve had any interest in playing is Caranguard. I created another character and started a second playthrough. I thought that this time I might spend less time maximising stealth and charisma and instead concentrate on bulking up my character’s physical strength.

You never did tell me your playing style and what sort of character you created, incidentally.

Also, did you receive my texts last week?

SH

 

* * *

 

17 May, 8:40 p.m.

Sherlock,

So you went straight from school to detective work?

I appreciate the offer of assistance, but I don’t think I’ll take you up on it just now. I don’t really have any interest in teaching, and working at Bart’s just doesn’t appeal. It’s where I trained, so I suppose I associate it with being young and stupid and I’m not that desperate yet.

Sorry but I don’t know what you mean by ‘playing style’? Do you mean like which skills I’m picking up?

John

 

 


	22. 18 and 19 May

18 May, 7:04 a.m.

John,

More or less, yes, I went from school to detective work. I had an interest in solving crimes, and solving murder in particular, from a relatively young age. When I was ten, a boy died during a school trip to a London pool. He had some kind of fit in the water, but by the time anyone could get to him, he'd drowned. A tragic accident, according to the police, but I suspected otherwise. Of course, no one cared a whit about the opinion of a ten year old, no matter how clever he is, so nothing ever came of my attempts to alert the police to their mistake.

After that, I devoted most of my time to learning about crime and investigations, biological processes and the cessation thereof, and so on. To that end, I studied Natural Sciences at Cambridge and began solving cases brought to me by other students. (I say ‘cases’, but most of it was nonsense like who was sleeping with who or why someone had begun behaving oddly.) Eventually, I offered my services to Scotland Yard.

What about you? Why did you decide to become not just a doctor, but an Army doctor?

By ‘playing style’, I mean how you’re developing your character. Which skills you’re picking up is part of it, as are which weapons you favour and how you approach enemies. Do you charge into battle carrying a sword in each hand? Do you hide and snipe from a distance? That sort of thing.

Sherlock

P.S. Do you still want to try Outskirts in multiplayer mode?

 

* * *

 

19 May, 6:57 p.m.

Sherlock,

Outskirts probably isn’t a good idea. I’m meant to be conserving money right now, not wasting 20 quid on a video game.

Why did you think the boy’s death wasn’t an accident?

I became a doctor for the same reason that anyone becomes a doctor I suppose. I wanted to help people. I also imagined there was a sort of prestige to having a career in medicine. Or at least my da always seemed to respect and admire doctors more than he did the average person, which probably seemed significant to me as a child. As for why an Army doctor, that’s more complicated. I don’t know really. I suppose it just seemed more exciting. More of a challenge. Plus, both my parents were dead by that point, and Harry’d started the first of her downward spirals, and I just wanted to get as far away from home as possible.

You mean like you decided during your first play through that you wanted your character to have stealth and charisma, so you put all your skill points into those categories? I’m not playing like that, I don’t think. I use mostly swords and axes, not much magic, and my skills are all over the place to be honest. I’ve got four points in heavy armour, three in light armour, four in one-handed weapons, four in two-handed weapons, four in block, two in stealth, five in smithing, and one in archery. Not sure if any of that means anything to you but there you go. (Although it took ages to copy it all down on paper and then type it up in this email, so it had better mean something to you. :P)

John

 

 


	23. 20 May (Part 1)

5:55 a.m.

Ah, finally an emoticon. I was starting to wonder if you’d sworn them off. ;)

An article in one of the papers at the time noted that the boy’s shoes were missing. All his other clothes were safely secured in his locker at the pool, but there was no sign of his shoes. Seemed more than a bit suspicious, I thought, but nobody else seemed to think it was important.

How is your sister? Presumably you still live with her, but you’ve not mentioned her recently.

Yes, that’s precisely what I mean by ‘play style’. And rest assured you’ve not wasted your time. Knowing the distribution of your skill points does mean something to me, thank you. :)

I’m sorry to hear you don’t think Outskirts is a good idea any longer, especially since you seemed so keen before. And I’d been looking forward to playing it with you. How about Diggy Hole instead? You’ve already got it, and the mental break will be beneficial.

Sherlock

 

* * *

 

2:23 p.m.

Sherlock,

Haha, not sworn them off no, just haven’t felt up to using them as much I suppose. I’m glad to see you’re apparently keen on them now though. Quite a change from before, when you weren’t even sure what they were or why I was using them. :)

It does seem a bit suspicious, the bit about the boy’s shoes that is. And I won’t lie, that even as a 10 year old you were that observant is pretty bloody impressive. I hope you kicked up a fuss when no one listened to you.

Harry’s……Harry. I don’t know. We do still live together yeah and it seems like I’ve been seeing her more than usual which is never good. We’ve been at each other’s throats all week.

You can’t just say it means something to you but not say what it means, you tease! So go on, what do my skill points mean?

We could play Diggy Hole again I suppose. Only, does that not sound like it might be a maybe not so good idea to you?

John

 

 


	24. 20 May (Part 2)

7:34 p.m.

_Why would it? SH_

I’m sorry?

_Why would playing Diggy Hole sound like a bad idea to me? SH_

Oh. I don’t know, I just thought it might?

_I will say this one more time, John. It is in your best interest to pay attention so I don’t have to repeat myself again. SH_

Um…...all right?

_What happened at Angelo’s was a misunderstanding and a mistake on my part. SH_

_Moreover, it was inconsequential by that point. SH_

_I’d already decided to tell you that while I was flattered by your interest, I’d no desire to pursue a relationship with you. SH_

_So while I am sorry I made you uncomfortable, I also believe there is no reason we shouldn’t be capable of putting the incident behind us. SH_

_We’re in agreement. We both want nothing more than friendship. SH_

_So if you are trying to distance yourself out of discomfort or a misguided attempt to spare my feelings, you can stop. Immediately. SH_

_Understood? SH_

Yeah understood.

I’m sorry. I’m an idiot and I’ve made a complete hash of this whole thing.

_We both have. It’s fine. SH_

It was the latter, just so you know.

_What? SH_

An attempt to spare your feelings, not discomfort.

_Ah. All right. SH_

_Although I feel compelled to say that if I’d had feelings, then ignoring me for more than a week certainly wouldn’t have spared them. SH_

Yeah. I suppose you’re right. I wasn’t thinking of it like that.

_How were you thinking of it? SH_

I was thinking it would be really shit of me to treat you exactly as I had been before, like you’d think I was trying to lead you on.

I’m sorry. I’ve really cocked this up haven’t I?

_Not as badly as you could have done. And anyway, it doesn’t matter. As I said, we’re moving past this nonsense now. SH_

_So: Diggy Hole? SH_

You’re sure?

_I wouldn’t still be pushing the issue if I weren’t. SH_

Okay then. If you’re sure. Tomorrow at 8 like usual?

_Perfect. I’ll talk to you then. SH_

_:) SH_

:)

 

 


	25. 21 May (Part 1)

8:00 p.m. 

> <Game mode changed.>
> 
> <JohnHWatson joined the game.>

“…”

_“John?”_

“Hi, yeah, sorry. I’m here, I’m just surprised. I seem to be in a… house, maybe? Something with a bed and some wooden chairs, anyway.”

_“Ah, yes. In an attempt to keep my mind from atrophying from sheer boredom, I did some crafting. It also seemed ill-advised to continue spawning in the middle of nowhere if we’re going to keep the enemies, so I changed the spawn point.”_

“Jesus, Sherlock. It’s three storeys. Is that a toilet?”

_“Hardly a house without a toilet.’_

“Can we even use a toilet in this game?”

_“I’m… not sure. Possibly. Though I admit I’m more concerned with realism and immersion than practicality.”_

“Huh. All right. Where are you?”

_“In the mineshaft.”_

“The what?”

_“I made a proper mineshaft. Easier transportation underground. Hang on, I’m coming up.”_

“Christ. You’ve done a lot since the last time we played.”

_“Mm. As I said, I was trying to stave off mind-numbing boredom. I haven’t had a case in ages. Lestrade’s threatening to have me banned from Scotland Yard.”_

“Lestrade?”

_“Detective Inspector with New Scotland Yard. More or less a competent investigator, although obviously not as clever as I am.”_

“Obviously.”

_“What do you think?”_

“Think?”

_“Yes. Verb, to have an opinion.”_

“About what?”

_“[sighing, exasperated] The house.”_

“Oh, right. It’s impressive. I like the little vases you’ve got on some of the tables. Also the tiger skin rug above the sofa. How long did it take to make?”

_“Go outside.”_

“What?”

_“Stop saying ‘what’. It’s annoying. It makes you sound like an idiot.”_

“Oh, cheers, that’s a lovely thing to say. Why do you want me to go outside?”

_“I started on the corpse. You should be able to see it if you go outside and round the back, past the trees.”_

“Okay. I’m..... How do you op—oh never mind, there it goes. I’m outside. Going round.”

_“Ah, excellent, it’s daylight. The things with the bombs that come out at night might prove a challenge. Anyway, I’m nearly there.”_

“All right, I…. What the hell is that?”

_“Can’t say for sure, as I’m not in the same location as you. Do you mean the corpse?”_

“That’s not a corpse, Sherlock. That’s… a blocky, vaguely humanish abomination.”

_“Of course it’s blocky. Everything in Diggy Hole is blocky. Not ideal, I realise, considering the curves and slopes that make up the human anatomy, but given the materials I have to work with, I think it’s coming along quite well.”_

“Oh my god, Sherlock, you’ve given it a cock.”

_“A… I’ve made him anatomically correct, if that’s what you mean.”_

“Yeah. You gave it a cock.”

_“Only a small one!”_

“[laughing] _That’s_ small? I’m not sure what sort of men you’ve been dating, but proportionately that’s actually quite large.”

_“I… that is, I….”_

“He also seems to be missing his testicles.”

_“I’m not finished! He’s also missing a head and his feet, but you haven’t said anything about that!”_

“Right, yeah. I suppose I was just distracted by the _giant knob_ right in front of me.”

_“It’s not giant!”_

“[giggling] Suppose it’s good you didn’t try to make a woman instead. I imagine that would’ve been—”

_“[bark of laughter] That was my first attempt, actually. Unfortunately, I found the breasts to be somewhat… difficult to craft.”_

“You— [giggling harder] Yeah, I suppose they would be, without curves.”

_“Yes. [chuckling, softly] Yes, precisely.”_

“You’re brilliant.”

_“… What?”_

“Do you know how many adolescent boys have probably built massive cocks in this game? And then there’s you—”

_“[huffing, indignant] I wasn’t building a massive cock. I was ensuring that my bloated corpse is—”_

“Anatomically correct. I know, that’s—that’s what I meant. You’re brilliant.”

_“That’s… not something other people often say about me.”_

“Yeah, well, other people are cocks, even bigger cocks than that one there, and they can piss off.”

_“…”_

“Speaking of bloated corpses, this one doesn’t look especially bloated.”

_“It’s not bloated yet. I thought it would be easier to bloat a corpse that had already been built. More accurate as well. Oh, looks like we’re about to have company.”_

“I’m on it. I’ve even got a sword now.”

_“Something of a shoddy sword, I’m afraid. Fortunately, I’ve found stronger materials now. There might be enough sapphire or platinum in the chest to craft a better one.”_

“Oh, I don’t know. This one seems to do the job all right.”

_“… Yes, it would appear so. Did you lose any health at all just now?”_

“No, I don’t think so. Not exactly hard, is it, the combat in this game.”

_“… Mm.”_

“Do you… are you gonna build any more, or…?”

_“At the moment, no. I need more marble.”_

“Go on, then. I’ll keep the baddies off while you dig.”

_“… Right. Yes.”_

“…”

_“…”_

“Erm. So. How are things?”

_“‘Things’?”_

“Yeah. You know, how your day was, whether you’ve talked to your brother lately, if there’s been anything in the papers you’ve had your eye on in a case-ish capacity—”

_“He won’t be bothering you again.”_

“Who?”

_“Mycroft. Now he’s made his presence known, he’ll likely leave you more or less alone. A bit like a patron at a zoo, he likes to tap the glass to startle you and then stand back to see what you do.”_

“I’m a zoo animal in this scenario, then, I take it?”

_“Obviously. But it’s only an analogy.”_

“Oh yeah, obviously. Still… out of curiosity, in this little analogy, what are you? The zoo attendant who takes me out to clean my enclosure, or—”

_“Don’t be ridiculous.”_

“ _I’m_ being ridiculous? You started it.”

_“[sighing, not terribly displeased] Mycroft is watching me as much as he is you. Which in my analogy would make me the animal who’s sharing your enclosure.”_

“Oh, brilliant. So we’re, what, a pair of snakes in a vivarium? Curled up on a tree branch or something?”

_“Hmmm. I’d prefer to be a lizard, I think. Those usually move much more quickly than snakes, don’t they? And fit into smaller places?”_

“I’m not really an expert. But sure, that sounds right. I can be sunning myself on a rock while you’re behind me building a bloated lizard corpse out of leaves.”

_“[chuckling] Yes, well. In any case, you don’t need to worry about Mycroft.”_

“Who said I was worried about Mycroft?”

_“You did. You wouldn’t have brought my brother up, after weeks of not mentioning him, if you weren’t—ugh, no.”_

“What?”

_“It’s not him on your mind at all, is it? It’s your own sibling. Ugh, it’s always something.”_

“Harry?”

_“Yes, obviously. Do you have another sibling? Take care of that slime, would you.”_

“Erm. Oh! Right.”

_“So how is Harry? You said in your email that you’ve been at each other’s throats.”_

“A bit, yeah. We’ve both been maybe a bit on edge lately, and it’s… it’s not been especially pleasant. She’s meant to be at an AA meeting right now. She thinks I don’t know she’s been skivving off, going to the pub instead. She never drinks enough to get properly pissed anymore, but….”

_“She still smells of it, I imagine.”_

“Oh yeah. Talks a bit louder too.”

_“And you don’t say anything when she comes home?”_

“Like what? ‘You’re not fooling anyone’? ‘You’re going to drink yourself to death that way’? She’d either stop trying to hide it altogether and just get smashed, or she’d stop coming home afterwards. It’s like what you said before, about addicts. You can’t _make_ them stop. You just have to, you know… be there.”

_“… Mm.... Oh, bugger!”_

“Shit, hang on.” 

> <ScienceOfDeduction got blown up.>

“Fuck. Sorry, I got distracted. I’ll—” 

> <JohnHWatson got blown up.>

“—I’ll die too, apparently. Nice. Hello again.”

_“When did it start?”_

“Beg your pardon?”

_“Your sister’s drinking. When did it start?”_

“It started… I’m not sure, actually. It seems like she’s always sort of been drinking, even as a teenager. I only noticed how bad it had got after our mum died. Why?”

_“Curiosity, I suppose. You’ve met Mycroft, so you’ve seen firsthand his various deficiencies, but I can only rely on your description of your sister to do the same. Come on, then. Back underground. The enemies will have likely despawned by now.”_

“Erm. Okay.”

_“I can show you the mineshaft if you want. Undead miners tend to spawn there. A bit more challenging to defeat than slimes and bombers. They might keep you better entertained.”_

“Oh. Yeah, okay, that’s… yeah. You don’t have to try to keep me entertained, you know. Just because the combat hasn’t been hard—”

_“I should’ve anticipated it. Caranguard is an entirely combat-based game, and you’re accustomed to danger not only in your gaming life, but also your everyday life. You want enemies that make you feel genuinely threatened; you want realistic battles, not hitting an oozing green square with a sword shaped like a twig.”_

“We… I mean, we could give Outskirts a go, I suppose.”

_“… Could we.”_

“What? Why did you say it like that?”

_“Two days ago, you thought it was a bad idea.”_

“I… well, yeah, but… I might’ve been overreacting a bit. Twenty quid isn’t so much, really, and I’ve already got—”

_“Oh for god’s sake, it had nothing to do with the money!”_

“Excuse me? Hang on, you can’t honestly think—”

_“Don’t finish that sentence, John. It would be an insult to my intelligence. Particularly since we’ve already established why you were initially hesitant to play this game with me again.”_

“Because I didn’t want things to be awkward! I didn’t want to be the second friend in your life who turned out to be straight when—”

_“Don’t compare yourself to Victor. You’re nothing like him.”_

> <ScienceOfDeduction has been killed.>

“Well. Yeah, obviously. I mean… you don’t fancy me like you did him, yeah?” 

> <Game mode changed.>

“Look. I’ve handled this really badly, I know. And I’m sorry for that. I probably came off like a right knob.”

_“It’s hardly the first time a supposedly heterosexual man was made uncomfortable by the presence of a gay man.”_

“I told you, I wasn’t uncomfortable. My sister’s gay, you know. You think I’d be living with her if gay people made me uncomfortable?”

_“Mm, perhaps not the most compelling argument, considering you’ve said at length that you don’t get on with your sister.”_

“Not because she’s gay!”

_“It’s also a bit different, isn’t it? Your lesbian sister doesn’t really compare to a gay man you met online who’s just made a poor deduction.”_

“I still wasn’t uncomfortable. Do people usually get uncomfortable when they find out you’re gay?”

_“You’re assuming that people regularly ‘find out’. I don’t have friends; I don’t have relationships. There aren’t any opportunities for the topic to come up in conversation, and even if there were, my personality is often abrasive enough that it easily overshadows everything else.”_

“You’re not really as bad as that, you know. Once someone gets past all the prickly bits, you’re actually quite nice to talk to. And you have friends. Or you have me, at least.”

_“Yes, you’ve said that twice now.”_

“Because it’s true.”

_“...”_

“We should meet up again. Get dinner and maybe go back to mine or yours and play Caranguard. And this time neither of us will think it’s a date.”

_“Mm. We could do. I suppose.”_

“Oh you suppose so, do you? I—hang on. Where are you? Did you die?”

_“Ages ago, John. I’m out filling in the corpse’s ankles now. Keep up.”_

“How the hell did I miss that? Stay there. I’m on my way.”

_“It’s fine. Monster spawning is off for the moment, so I’m in no danger.”_

“What? Why?”

_“Because neither of us was paying attention. I can turn it back on at any time.”_

“Ugh, just stay there. Christ.”

_“…”_

“Out of curiosity, did… I mean, obviously you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but did your family react well when you told them? Assuming you have come out to them.”

_“My parents, Mummy in particular, would be equally thrilled if I took up with a man, a woman, or a broom. Conversely, my brother—who is very much above all that—would be equally disgusted.”_

“Your brother’s a prick.”

_“[snorting] As we’ve already established.”_

“And… what’s-his-name, Victor? Did he know?”

_“Yes. I never said it directly, but it was understood. He was… supportive. I suppose.”_

“Oh. Well that’s good, that’s…. I’m sorry he’s gone now.”

_“[sighing] If I’m perfectly honest, it was only a matter of time. In the four and a half years I knew Victor, I’m not sure I ever saw him completely sober.”_

“… Er.”

_“Hullo. Nice of you to join me. What do you think?”_

“Hi. You didn’t have to make his cock smaller.”

_“I ran out of materials before I’d finished the ankles, so I borrowed from the genitals. It was the simplest solution.”_

“[chuckling] Liar. You had another look at him, realised I was right, and fixed it.”

_“Of course I didn’t. There was nothing wrong with the size of his penis.”_

“Nothing wrong, no, he just— Fucking hell.”

_“What?”_

“[shouting] You—hang on, I’m in my room! [quieter] Sorry, this might be it for tonight.”

_“Your sister?”_

“Of all the nights for her to come home early. Is—”

_“It’s fine. We weren’t really playing anymore anyway.”_

“I’m gonna buy Outskirts. Okay? We can play that next time?”

_“Looking forward to it.”_

“[shouting again] Give me a sodding minute, Harry, Christ!”

_“I’ll talk to you later.”_

“[softly] Sorry again. Talk to you later.”

“Goodbye.” 

> <JohnHWatson left the game.>

 

 


	26. 21 May (Part 2)

11:26 p.m.

John,

I hope your sister didn’t prove too difficult to deal with. I suppose I should count myself lucky in that respect. For all my brother’s faults, at least he rarely tries to involve me in his problems.

In any case, I enjoyed the time that we did have to play tonight. I’m glad that

 

 

 

 

You should know that I blame you entirely for the numerous elaborate, anatomically improbable thoughts that haunt my mind these days. Many of them involving your shoulders, oddly enough, although shoulders have never seemed to me a remarkable body part. Until I saw yours, at least. You hold tension in your shoulders, as many people do, but you also hold your amusement, your relief, your embarrassment, your exasperation, and your contentment. In short: you have the most expressive shoulders I’ve ever seen, and the restraint required to prevent me from running my hands over them during those fourish hours I was in your physical company was considerable.

I can’t help but wonder if you’d hold your desire, your lust, in your shoulders as well. Obviously they would rise and fall as you gasped and your breathing grew heavier. Maybe they’d do a graceful dance beneath your skin when you got grabby. Do you get grabby? I imagine you get grabby. That you always have to have a hand on me no matter our positions. On my jaw when I’m in front of you, my shoulders when I’m on top of you, my waist when I’m beneath you, my hair when I’m knelt at your feet. It’s good to hold onto, good for gripping and wrenching. Stroking as well as toying idly with, just as I imagine yours is. There’s nothing I want more than to cradle your head against my chest and lower my chin and breathe in the scent of your hair.

No that’s a lie. What I want most is you beneath me grabbing at my shoulders arching up into me your legs around my waist and begging for it. The ‘it’ changes daily. Your come on my face or your cock in my hole, either hole, or your mouth against mine as you rut against my thigh. Maybe several things at once. Maybe your arse so tight and slick around me while you scratch my back so hard it looks like I’ve been mauled and you swear at me, you growl at me, you tell me how hard and how fast you need to be fucked while I’.//

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

11:31 p.m.

John,

If you’ve just received an email from me, delete it immediately. It was sent to you by mistake and contains highly sensitive information.

Sherlock

 

 


	27. 21 May (Part 3)

11:32 p.m.

_If you received an email from me at 11:26 PM, kindly DELETE IT WITHOUT READING. SH_

_It contains confidential case-related material that might put my partnership with NSY in jeopardy should anyone discover it was missent. SH_

_Thank you in advance for complying. Obviously I won’t be repeating this mistake again. SH_

_:) SH_

 

* * *

 

11:40 p.m.

Jesus Christ, Sherlock.

_John. How is your sister? SH_

‘Confidential case-related material’?

_Yes. Did you delete it? SH_

I didn’t have to because it just disappeared. A bit like someone hacked into my email and deleted it actually.

_Really? That’s odd. SH_

A little late though since I’d already read it.

_Ah. SH_

‘Ah’? That’s all you’ve got to say?

_Would you believe me if I said it was a prank? SH_

Not really no.

_Then yes, that’s all I’ve got to say. SH_

I’m not gay.

_I know. Everyone who was at Angelo’s knows, in fact, since you shouted it loudly enough. SH_

What the hell were you trying to do?

_At Angelo’s? SH_

No, now! When you wrote me a dirty email, sent it, and then tried to delete it before I’d seen it?!

_An interrobang, John, really? You think the situation warrants that? SH_

Stop. Just stop.

_Stop responding to you? Certainly. SH_

You know what I mean. Stop trying to distract me and just answer the question. What did you think would happen?

_It was a mistake. Mrs Hudson came upstairs, I shut the laptop quickly, and the email sent. I don’t know how. SH_

But why would you write it in the first place? Did responding to my email put you in the mood for a wank?

_It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was going to delete it. SH_

So that’s a yes?? No one writes a dirty email to get themselves off!

_Don’t they? I’ll keep that in mind. SH_

You meant to send it. You had to have done. You wanted me to know.

_Yes of course. That’s why I went to the trouble of deleting it from your inbox. SH_

You prick, so you did hack into my email?

_Do you even know why you’re angry? SH_

Because you lied to me! You said you didn’t fancy me and you were going to turn me down.

_And you said you didn’t want things to get ‘awkward’. SH_

I don’t! Look, I understand if you were embarrassed and I’m sorry if I gave the wrong impression but I’m not gay. I’ve got a girlfriend.

_Who? Since when? SH_

A woman at the surgery where I started working. We went to dinner a few nights ago. We’re going again tomorrow.

_You haven’t said a word about her. SH_

Well apparently you and I don’t really know each other that well.

_A matter of hours ago we were friends, and now we don’t know each other that well? SH_

We are friends. Or I thought we were anyway.

_I hope you haven’t wasted money on Outskirts. Surely you don’t want to risk anything by playing with me. It might be catching. SH_

I never said that. Are you even listening to me? You LIED to me

_Does your sister know that you inherited your parents’ prejudices? SH_

What?

_Perhaps even on a subconscious level that’s contributing to her drinking. SH_

I beg your pardon?

_Tell me, John. How many times since her divorce have you told her she’d be better off dating a man? SH_

Shut your fucking mouth. I’ve never. I would never say that to her

_But you’ve thought it, haven’t you? It creeps into your mind, and no matter how many times you shoo it away, it keeps coming back. SH_

Did you do this to Victor too? Did you push even after he made it clear he didn’t want you?

Maybe on a subconscious level that contributed to his drug use.

I think we’re done here, you and I.

_Yes I think we are. SH_

 

 


	28. 25 May

12:02 p.m.

How did you know about my parents?

_Oh are we speaking again? I thought we were done, you and I. SH_

Answer the question.

_Simple deduction. You said they weren’t pleased when your sister started going by Harry. SH_

_It’s only a shortening of her given name, not unusual for nicknames, which suggests they objected to something about the name itself. SH_

_Not a great leap to conclude that it’s because Harry is a traditionally masculine name. SH_

_That says your parents were either overly concerned with appearances or believers in strict gender roles, probably both. SH_

_You also said Harry’s drinking became an obvious problem after your parents were dead, which suggests a connection. SH_

_What about the relationship between a lesbian and her conservative parents would drive her to drink? Not a difficult deduction. SH_

So it was basically a shot in the dark.

_A good one though. SH_

_Am I wrong? SH_

No. They weren’t happy. If she’d been younger when she’d told them, they’d probably have sent her somewhere. Mum especially.

_Go on. SH_

Go on?

_I assume there’s more. There’s always more. SH_

About what? Harry?

_Obviously. Did you know before your parents did? SH_

About her you mean? Yeah. I think I was more afraid of them finding out than she was.

_How so? SH_

When we were younger I made up things a lot. Stories about her mooning over boys at school, that sort of thing.

Why are we talking about this?

_Isn’t that what people do after arguments? SH_

_Wait until they’ve calmed down and then reveal some sort of emotional trauma to make up for being hurtful? SH_

_I’m only trying to help you along. You were doing a rather poor job of it on your own. SH_

That’s not what I was trying to do. And you were pretty bloody ‘hurtful’ too you know.

_Was I? Because I was right? SH_

I’m not like them. I’d never treat Harry like they treated her.

You have no idea what it was like. People at school were cruel to her, mum and da were on her back about everything.

Her entire life she’s been miserable and angry. Wanting things to be different for her doesn’t make me like my parents.

You had no right to bring them into this.

_And you had no right to bring Victor into it. SH_

Yeah I know. It was a low blow and I wasn’t even thinking when I said it.

See this is why I’m a rubbish person to fancy. I think and do things I know are awful. I’m a complete cock.

_I’ve been reliably informed that I’m a cock as well. SH_

Speaking of, don’t ever lie to me or hack into my email again. Ever.

_I’ll endeavour to make sure I don’t need to. SH_

Good.

_Is that it, then? SH_

Is what it?

_Is that all you’ve got to say? SH_

Yeah I suppose so. Should I have something else to say?

_No. I suppose not. SH_

_Goodbye. SH_

Um......goodbye?

 

 


	29. 26 and 27 May

26 May, 9:16 a.m.

John,

Since you never answered, I thought I’d ask again: How is your sister?

Also, you might’ve noticed that the game developers released a new patch on the PC for Caranguard. Don’t install it. All reports so far indicate that it breaks far more than it fixes.

Sherlock

 

* * *

 

27 May, 11:30 p.m.

Sherlock,

I don’t know anything about a patch. Would that have been part of the update it had me download last night? I didn’t play very long, but nothing seemed broken.

Harry’s not well, to be honest. Apparently she heard from mutual friends that Clara (that’s her ex-wife) is dating again. I’ve never seen her as upset as she was the other night when she interrupted our game. From the way she’s been carrying on since, you wouldn’t guess that she’s the one who wanted a divorce.

How are you?

John

 

 


	30. 28 and 29 May

28 May, 2:50 p.m.

John,

The patch was the software update. Hopefully your game continues to run smoothly despite it.

I’m sorry to hear your sister’s doing poorly. From my experience (albeit limited and secondhand), it’s not uncommon. In divorces as well as in other areas, the hypothetical and the reality apparently have little in common.

Sherlock

 

* * *

 

29 May, 12:11 p.m.

Sherlock,

No problems so far. I played a good two or three hours this morning. Started a quest where I have to decode ciphers and find a stolen something or other.

John

 

 


	31. 30 May (Part 1)

11:58 a.m.

John,

The worst quest in the game by far. You have my sympathies. For what it’s worth, the stolen item you’re looking for is a hairpin and the cipher decoder is hidden in the statue’s mouth in the back room of the Lucky Cat.

How was your date?

Sherlock

 

* * *

 

1:04 p.m.

Sherlock,

Fine. The date was fine.

Can I ask you something? Why did you think it was a date when you and I met? Just because I was a bloke and we went to dinner, or......?

John

 

* * *

 

5:30 p.m.

John,

Don’t be an idiot. As though someone of my intelligence and with my observation skills would draw a conclusion based on nothing but the fact that you were male, hungry, and not opposed to my presence.

It was the way you behaved, primarily. Some of your emails and messages struck me as oddly flirtatious, although I admit I’m a poor judge of that sort of thing. Then at the shop you stood closer to me than is considered socially acceptable, and you stared at my mouth and licked your lips so often I remember thinking multiple times that they’d certainly be chapped by the end of the night if you kept it up.

Not to mention dozens of other, more subtle behavioural cues that typically indicate romantic interest: you snuck glances at me, angled yourself towards me, touched your chin and jaw, and even began to mirror my body language. By the time we’d reached Angelo’s, I was convinced that you were hesitant but nevertheless keen.

In case it bears repeating, I am sorry I made you uncomfortable. It never occurred to me that I could be mistaken.

Sherlock

 

 


	32. 30 May (Part 2)

6:09 p.m.

Erm hi. I tried to reply to your email, but the internet’s being a bit wonky. You there?

_Yes. SH_

Okay so let’s say I hadn’t panicked and got a bit shouty when you said I was your date at Angelo’s.

_Yes? SH_

What would’ve happened?

_Dinner would have been infinitely more pleasant. None of the awkward silence and desperate attempts to avoid looking at each other. SH_

_Angelo wouldn’t have dumped a jug of ice water into your lap. SH_

I knew he did that on purpose.

What about after?

_After dinner, I was planning to ask if you wanted to come back to mine. SH_

And if I’d said yes?

_You do realise that what you’re doing right now is, if not the very definition of leading me on, then at least something very close to it? SH_

You’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Just ignore me.

_Before leaving to meet you, I’d set up the television with one of my consoles in front of the sofa. SH_

_Two charged controllers and one stack of multiplayer games, another of single-player ones. SH_

_Including Caranguard, which is infinitely better on a console. The computer screen is too small, the keyboard controls unintuitive. SH_

It seems fine to me.

_Because you’ve never experienced the alternative. I intended to change that. SH_

_In any case, I’d have offered you refreshments. I bought beer for the occasion. You seem the sort to drink beer from a can. SH_

......Not sure if you meant that to sound judgmental, but yeah I suppose I am the sort.

_A statement of fact. No judgment intended. SH_

_Anyway, that was it. The extent of my plans. SH_

Seriously?

_Sorry to disappoint. SH_

_Contrary to what you may believe, gay men generally don’t force themselves on every attractive male they come into contact with. SH_

_Certainly I don’t. SH_

I didn’t think that.

I don’t think that. I never did.

_No? SH_

I don’t know what I thought. I don’t know what I’m thinking now to be honest. Still figuring it out I suppose.

_All right. SH_

I’ve missed talking to you.

_We’ve been emailing. SH_

You know what I mean. Not like we were. They’ve been short and sort of impersonal.

_Oh? But we don’t really talk about personal things. SH_

That was a crap thing for me to say. I shouldn’t have said any of it. Especially the stuff about Victor, that was inexcusable.

I’m sorry. If I could take it back I would.

I’ve been more honest with you than I was with my therapist. We’re absolutely friends even if we’ve only met the once.

_Is there a point to any of this? SH_

Right yeah. The point is that I bought Outskirts and I wondered if you still wanted to give it a try?

_Really? You don’t think it would be a bad idea? SH_

No. I really don’t. I think it’d be a fantastic idea actually.

Is that a no then?

Sherlock?

Still there?

_Fine. SH_

Sorry?

_I’ll play with you. SH_

You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I’ll understand if you’d rather not.

_Obviously I don’t have to. But I will. SH_

Okay. Good. :)

_It’ll have to be tomorrow at the earliest. Lestrade dropped off a box of cold cases. I’d like to solve at least half before we play. SH_

Yeah of course! Just let me know when.

_Let’s say tentatively tomorrow at 9 PM. I’ll text if I want to change it. SH_

Great!

Okay, I’ll talk to you then.

 

 


	33. 31 May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is late. Sunday was rough. Anyway, enjoy!

8:50 p.m.

> <ScienceOfDeduction has joined your fight.>

_“... Hello?”_

“Hi! What’s that tone for?”

_“You were here before I was. You set everything up. I wasn’t expecting that.”_

“Yeah, well. Thought I’d have a go at it this time. How did I do?”

_“Not terribly detailed, your email, but as I don’t require the degree of guidance that you do to join a multiplayer game.... Acceptable, I suppose.”_

“Cheers.”

_“How long have you been waiting?”_

“Dunno. Not that long, I don’t think. I was poking about in the settings.”

_“Did you play any of it?”_

“Just a bit, a few hours ago. Wanted to be sure it worked. Bit over the top, isn’t it?”

_“I did warn you. The first time you brought up the game, in fact.”_

“I know. I’m not complaining, really. Just, you know... saying.”

_“Is that the character you’re going with?”_

“I was gonna do, yeah. Why?”

_“Interesting choice. A bit butch. I thought you might’ve chosen a woman.”_

“Pretty sure I’m never going to play as a woman again, if it makes other people think I’m ogling my character’s tits.... Also, I didn’t know there were women in this game. I didn’t see any when I played earlier.”

_“Not many, but there are a few. One playable and perhaps a handful of nonplayable.”_

“A bit shit for the women who might want to play it, isn’t it? I like your character though. Looks devilishly handsome with his beard. Anyway, shall we get started?”

_“If you want.”_

“... I told you, we don’t have to play if you don’t want to. I understand. I’ve been a bastard, and if you want—”

_“Oh for god’s sake. Just start the game.”_

“Right, okay. Fine.”

_“Ugh, skip the opening cutscene. It’s unnecessarily long and we’ve both already seen it.”_

“All right, all right. Bossy today, aren’t you.”

_“If you’d let me host, I could skip it myself as well as making other necessary changes to the settings to improve gameplay, but as you took it upon yourself instead to host, you’ll have to suffer my being ‘bossy’.”_

“You don’t have to get defensive. I was teasing, not complaining. I’ve actually found I sort of like it when you get all tetchy and commanding.”

_“I... what?”_

“You seem a bit more… touchable like that, somehow.”

_“... I do?”_

“A bit, yeah. Is that you? Standing next to me? Christ, you look tiny.”

_“That’s because you’ve chosen the largest character in the game. From a first-person point of view, anyone of normal height and muscle mass would look small. One wonders if your choice of characters is indicative—”_

“Not a fucking word about my height.”

_“Hm. Touchy. Shall I take that as confirmation?”_

“Piss off. I wasn’t paying any attention to what he looked like when I chose this character. It said he wielded guns and had high defence, and that’s what I wanted.”

_“Of course.”_

“Is there friendly fire in this game?”

_“We don’t have weapons yet.”_

“We’ve got fists.”

_“John!”_

“Hmm, doesn’t look like I can hurt you. I wonder if that’s a setting I can change.”

_“You wouldn’t dare.”_

“Yeah, probably not a good idea. I haven’t seen you aim, so it might be in my best interest to leave it like this.”

_“I was more concerned for my own safety, as I haven’t seen you aim yet either.”_

“What the hell are we doing, by the way? Are we meant to do something?”

_“We’re meant to be following someone. Probably the person shouting ‘Over here!’ and ‘This way!’ at full volume, which if you can’t hear—”_

“Oh, I turned off the sound a few minutes ago.”

_“Why?”_

“I was having trouble hearing you. Your voice is deep enough that it booms a bit, like I’ve said before, and the booming in the background music was drowning it out.”

_“You could’ve adjusted the volume of the music, not muted the whole game.”_

“I don’t give a toss about the game, to be honest. Or the plot, rather. Mostly I just care about talking to you and shooting things.”

_“That’s... healthy.”_

“It is, actually. Social interaction and stress management.”

_“Things aren’t going well with your sister or the new job, I take it? If you’ve got stress you need to manage. There’s a pistol here, by the way. I’ll leave it for you.”_

“Cheers. Things have been all right. Harry’s better, I think. She’s been almost nice lately. And the job’s a bit dull, but it’s bearable.”

_“Your girlfriend, then?”_

“Who?”

_“... The girlfriend you said you had when you were staunchly defending your heterosexuality. Your new colleague, you said. I assumed she actually existed, but perhaps I was mistaken.”_

“Oh, Sarah. Of course she exists. She’s my boss actually. We weren’t, um. We weren’t really working out, so....”

_“Ah. That’s a shame.”_

“Yeah.”

_“Do you have a gun preference?”_

“A... what?”

_“Are there any types of weapons I should be sure to leave for you? I favour rifles and grenades and I also tend to hoard guns, but I can make an effort to leave some for you if you’d prefer.”_

“Hmm. Dunno, actually. I’m not sure I’ve played long enough to have favourites. But I’m not fussy. I can manage with just this pistol if I need to.”

_“Not for long. The starting weapon is always the worst in the game. You won’t last without something better. Enemies ahead, by the way.”_

“Is that a challenge? It sounds like a challenge to me.”

_“It isn’t. Especially not when I’ll be the one picking up your slack. Ah, excellent timing—you can have this shotgun. I despise shotguns.”_

“Thanks. You know, if you’re worried about having to pick up my ‘slack’, giving me the weapons that aren’t good enough for you probably isn’t exactly helping.”

_“It’s not a matter of quality; it’s a matter of preference. I don’t like shotguns. Perhaps you will.”_

“Well, thank you. I’ll give it a try.”

_“So what happened?”_

“Erm. Nothing? I picked up the shotgun and now one of those big purple blokes is lobbing rocks at me.”

_“Not in the game. With Sharon.”_

“... Who?”

_“Your girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend, rather.”_

“Sarah, Sherlock. Her name is Sarah.”

_“Oh what does it matter? You broke up. Apparently quite stressfully.”_

“It wasn’t stressful. It wasn’t anything, really. She just... said it wasn’t working out.”

_“Did you agree?”_

“I... I suppose so, yeah. I didn’t argue with her, if that’s what you’re asking.”

_“Hmm.”_

“Why are you asking?”

_“Just making conversation. Isn’t that what people normally do? Oh—that was rather gruesome. What did you do?”_

“Shot him twice in the chest. Not sure why that made bits of him fly all over the place though.”

_“It must bother you. How absurdly unrealistic this is.”_

“Course not. Why would it bother me?”

_“Because that’s why you hated Warfare 3. Too much gore and explosions, you said. I think your exact words were ‘a bit shit’.”_

“Yeah, but that game was trying to be realistic, wasn’t it? Pretty sure this one isn’t. I mean, it takes place on a different planet for one, and you can buy guns in vending machines.”

_“It’s not entirely out of the realm of realism. At least if you take into account the possibil—”_

“Are you seriously going to argue the realism of a game where purple gorillas the size of tanks throw rocks at you and bite the heads off robots?”

_“... Well. Apparently I’m quite likeable when I’m tetchy and difficult.”_

“[laughing, softly] You are, yeah. Rather a lot, actually.”

_“...”_

“Did you and Victor play games together like this? Like you and I do, I mean. Not necessarily games like this.”

_“... No. No, we.... Neither of us was a particularly social gamer, at the time.”_

“I’m sorry. That was a weird thing to ask, wasn’t it? It just popped into my head, and I didn’t—”

_“It’s fine. I don’t mind.”_

“Okay. Um.... Why don’t you like shotguns? I’m having a whale of a time with mine.”

_“Ugh, because you spend more time reloading than shooting. The rate of fire is abysmal.”_

“Yeah, but it packs a hell of a punch. Oh, nice. Look at that: one shotgun shell to the head and even the big guys with the masks go down.”

_“What? Where are you? We’ve cleared this area.”_

“No we haven’t. I’m up in the massive warehouse-ish building. I think this is where they were spawning from, actually.”

_“The… ugh, no wonder the server’s starting to lag, John, that’s miles away. What are you doing up there?”_

“It’s not that far. You were just being a bit slow and I just got tired of waiting around. So I went on ahead a bit.”

_“I’m looting! And making sure we haven’t missed anything. There are collectibles, you realise, and achievements you can win by finding hidden areas and items.”_

“There’s a sniper rifle in here: 116 damage, 78.1 accuracy. Do you want it?”

_“Oh for god’s sake. Just—don’t go any further or you’ll make the lag worse.”_

“It’s not lagging for me... oh. Actually, maybe it is a bit. Fuck, that was a lot of health. Bloody grenades. Coming back down now.”

_“Bringing a new wave of enemies with you, of course. You— [laughing]”_

“What? Why are you laughing?”

_“You just—you’re precisely the sort of gamer that would’ve driven Victor mad.”_

“Am I really? Because I don’t give a toss about collectibles and achievements?”

_“Because you muted the volume and don’t care about the plot or the immersive experience, you overrely on walkthroughs, you consider it a challenge when a game attempts to subtly guide you to level-appropriate quests—”_

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but... do you often compare people to Victor? Or is it just that I brought him up before?”

_“...”_

“Sorry. Should I not have asked that?”

_“It’s... fine. In answer to your question, no I don’t, and yes it was because you brought him up. Actually I haven’t really thought of him in... I don’t know how long. Years, I imagine.”_

“Oh. Right. Well that’s... I mean, that’s good, yeah? That you haven’t been dwelling on it. Oh, this bloke dropped an assault rifle with a knife on the end. Is that good? Do you want it?”

_“You can have it.”_

“Thanks.”

_“...”_

“...”

_“[sighing] Ask.”_

“I beg your pardon?”

_“You have questions. Apparently you’ve been holding onto them a while. Just ask.”_

“All right. Well... I was thinking the other day about what you said, about knowing that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. I reckon that means you knew, yeah? You knew that Victor, erm, had a problem?”

_“... I knew, yes.”_

“He didn’t realise that he did? Or just didn’t care?”

_“... The former, I believe. But... John, don’t draw comparisons between him and Harry. Their situations are vastly different, I assure you.”_

“I’m not comparing them. I’m trying to understand you a bit better. Area’s finally clear by the looks.”

_“... Ah, right. The game.”_

“Yeah, sorry. I’m trying to multitask. Doing a better job of it than I expected, actually.”

_“Why?”_

“Not sure. A lot of it’s just mindless shooting, so I suppose—”

_“Not that. Why are you trying to understand me better?”_

“What, seriously?”

_“Of course seriously. Why wouldn’t it be seriously? Do people ask questions they aren’t serious about?”_

“Because I like you. And you’re probably the most interesting person I’ve ever met. And you act like you’re above it all and untouchable, even unhuman, but I’ve started to wonder if maybe you’re actually more human than the rest of us.”

_“...”_

“Christ, sorry, was that too much? That came out soppier than I meant it to.”

_“Inhuman.”_

“What?”

_“‘Unhuman’ isn’t a word. You mean inhuman.”_

“Oh, right. [chuckling] I’ll keep that in mind for next time. Is—what’s attacking me right now?”

_“Bats. Above you. What else?”_

“There’s something else attacking me? Is that something you unusually tall blokes have to deal with all the time?”

_“[sighing, mock-disgusted] What else do you want to understand about me? Related to Victor or otherwise.”_

“Hmmm. Suppose I am a bit curious. I know you and Victor never dated, but... have you dated since him?”

_“Ugh, ‘dating’. Not my area. Never has been.”_

“So... hang on, are you saying you’ve never dated?”

_“[scoffing] Of course I haven’t. Juvenile, hateful cultural ritual fuelled by either sentiment or lust—both of which are weaknesses and distractions. I try to avoid getting involved at all costs. Not to mention no one with even half a brain has any interest in getting involved with me. As you’ve said before, I’m a rude and obnoxious prick.”_

“Oi, I don’t particularly appreciate being told I don’t have half a brain. I mean. You can be a bit of a bastard, yeah, but you’re also bloody gorgeous with your hair and your coat and your—your cheekbones. And like I said not two minutes ago, you’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met. So if you honestly think no one could ever care about you, that’s rubbish and you’re an idiot.”

_“...”_

“... Too much again, yeah? Should we maybe be coming up with attack plans, by the way? Every time we come across a group of enemies, we sort of just—”

_“‘I don’t appreciate being told I don’t have half a brain’?”_

“Erm. Yeah?”

_“What happened to being ‘straight’?”_

“I am straight. When did I say I wasn’t?”

_“Just now! When I said only people with half a brain would be romantically or sexually interested in me, and you took offence!”_

“Well... I mean—no, hang on.”

_“Not to mention the heartfelt defence of my physical attractiveness, the frequent compliments and affectionately teasing comments, the flirty emoticons—”_

“Flirty? How are they flirty?”

_“Why did you stop using them after our little ‘misunderstanding’ if you didn’t think they were flirty?”_

“Because it just seemed a bit... I don’t know. Look—just give me a minute. How do I revive you?”

_“I believe ‘mixed signals’ is what people call this sort of thing, yes? You’re giving mixed signals, and although the polite course of action would be, I’m sure, to pretend I haven’t noticed, I’m not polite and I notice_ everything, _John. I notice everything and I am never wrong. If you’re going to continue suggesting that I’m wrong—”_

“I’m not! I’m—I’m really not. I just... I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

_“...”_

“Sherlock?”

_“... Figure it out.”_

> <ScienceOfDeduction has abandoned your fight.>

“Fuck. Sherlock? ... Okay. Right.”

 

 


	34. 4 June

6:05 p.m.

Can I still talk to you while I’m figuring things out?

I’ll take that as a no.

Sorry. I’m really not trying to lead you on or give mixed signals.

_Obviously. SH_

For the record, emoticons or whatever you called them aren’t inherently flirty.

_No. SH_

But I suppose it’s possible to use them that way on a sort of subconscious level.

_Yes. SH_

You’re full of shit too you know. You don’t try to avoid getting involved at all costs.

If you did, Angelo’s would never have happened.

_Possibly true. SH_

Definitely true.

:P

_Flirty? SH_

No.

I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing.

I still miss you. I thought we could move past it eventually but now we’re not talking again.

What if it was a bit?

_Have you been drinking? SH_

What?? No!

_What if what was a bit? SH_

What if it was a bit flirty? A test of sorts?

_Then I’d ask if your ‘test’ had helped you reach any conclusions. SH_

Okay.

Thank you.

_For what? SH_

For still talking to me and responding to my texts.

You’ll be the first to know when I reach any.

_Fine. SH_

 

 


	35. 11 June

5:30 p.m.

I meant to ask the other night, how did the cold cases go?

_Frustrating. So much of my deductive ability requires firsthand observation. SH_

_I’m relying on nothing but evidence taken by blundering idiots who refused to admit they were emotionally compromised by the situation. SH_

_Less than ideal, to say the least. SH_

So you haven’t solved many of them?

_Of course I solved them! I am still competent even when forced to rely on other people’s incompetence. SH_

Course. Sorry. Didn’t mean to suggest otherwise. ;)

(intentionally flirty by the way)

_So you’ve reached a conclusion? SH_

Maybe yeah. I think so anyway. I had a lot of time to think yesterday.

Had a chat with Harry too. It ended in a bit of a shouting match, but until then it was good.

This must all seem absurd to you. My little crisis.

_Most everything that people do seems absurd to me. Your ‘crisis’ is no more so than anything else. SH_

Cheers, that makes me feel loads better. :P

_No. SH_

No what?

_The answer to the question you want to ask but apparently won’t: Did I ever have a similar crisis? No, I did not. I didn’t see the point. SH_

_I’d never had any attraction to women; I enjoyed sex with men. As far as I was concerned, the subject was easily settled. SH_

Sex with men? I thought you said you’d never dated anyone?

Never mind. Don’t answer that. Just realised what a stupid thing to say that was.

A flawed deduction I suppose you’d say.

_Something like that. SH_

Thanks for your honesty. I appreciate it.

_Anytime. SH_

It’s still okay that I’m talking to you yeah? You’re not just waiting for me to piss off already?

_As I’ve said before, I’m far from subtle. If I wanted you to ‘piss off’, I’d have made that abundantly clear by now. SH_

All right. That’s good. :)

 

 


	36. 12 June

6:40 p.m.

Do you know anything about Ruin 4? I keep seeing adverts for it on Steam.

_It’s similar but inferior to Caranguard. Smaller map with tedious predictable questlines, a weak main storyline, and repetitive combat. SH_

_However, it’s also less glitchy and less fantasy-based, and offers more DLC expansions. SH_

DLC?

_Downloadable content. It can refer to anything from new clothing options to added game mechanics. SH_

_It’s primarily intended to extend the shelf life of a game, so to speak. SH_

Ahh okay. Does Caranguard have any?

_A few. Two, to be precise. There have been rumours of a third, but at this point I suspect they won’t amount to anything. SH_

At this point?

_It’s been nearly six months since the last one was released. Interests wane. If more was planned, it should have been announced by now. SH_

Yeah that makes sense.

So can you buy the DLC things on Steam or.......?

_Yes. SH_

_You can find the answers to every question you’ve asked in a simple Google search, you realise. SH_

Course I can, but if I did that I wouldn’t have such a good excuse to keep talking to you. ;)

Sorry, should I not have said that?

_You can say whatever you want. I don’t mind. SH_

_Do you have any interest in it? SH_

In continuing to talk to you? Yes.

_In playing Ruin 4. It appears I still have a copy. SH_

_The console version, not the PC. SH_

Console version?

_Yes. SH_

I don’t have a console.

_I am well aware. SH_

So I’d go over to yours to play?

_That’s what I was suggesting, yes. Problem? SH_

No! Not at all. But you’d be okay with that?

_I wouldn’t have suggested it if I weren’t. SH_

_Perhaps I should mention that was not a euphemism or a pretence. I’m inviting you to play Ruin 4, nothing else. SH_

I know! I was just making sure you really wanted to see me. I wasn’t angling for an invitation when I brought it up.

_Don’t be tedious, John. A simple yes or no will do. SH_

Yes! Course I’m interested. When?

_Tomorrow? SH_

Tomorrow it is! Around 8 or 9 pm?

_Acceptable. The address is 221B Baker Street. I’ll expect you at 8. SH_

Brilliant! See you then!

 

 


	37. 14 June

12:40 p.m.

What about games like First Light or Crime and Punishment?

_What about them? SH_

They’re all about finding clues and solving mysteries and the like so I reckon that’d be up your street?

_Wrong. Point-and-click narrative games are prescriptive and confiningly linear. The ‘mysteries’ are also child’s play. SH_

Oh right. I suppose you would be too clever for them.

_Yes. SH_

_I can’t imagine your patients are pleased that you’re browsing Steam while you’re meant to be listening to their complaints. SH_

There’s this thing called lunch you see. Not even going to ask how you know I’m browsing Steam.

_Your knowledge of video games isn’t so vast that you can name two you’ve never played off the top of your head. SH_

You’ll fix that soon enough. I remember some of the games you mentioned last night. You do talk fast when you get on a tirade don’t you?

_Do I? I’ve no idea. SH_

Speaking of, I’ve fallen asleep twice already today. Probably shouldn’t have stayed at yours as long as I did.

_You did seem rather reluctant to leave. Not that I was exactly pushing you out the door, mind. SH_

No, if anything I’d say you were making it difficult for me to work up the motivation to leave.

_Not intentionally. SH_

Really?

_Well, maybe a bit. SH_

_There’s a second bedroom upstairs. You could’ve slept there. It would have at least saved you the trouble of returning to your sister’s. SH_

Probably a bad idea, that.

_Possibly. Could’ve been dangerous. SH_

That’s certainly one way of putting it. ;)

Have to go back to work soon. Talk to you later?

_Yes. SH_

 

* * *

 

7:03 p.m.

Have you eaten?

_At some point, yes. SH_

What does that mean??

_It means that I’m not experiencing hunger, so I must’ve eaten at some point. SH_

That might be the most alarming thing you’ve ever said to me. Which is saying a lot actually, just so you know.

_Why are you asking? SH_

You’re the genius, you tell me. ;)

_Are you asking me to dinner? SH_

I might be, yeah. But since you’ve apparently eaten ‘at some point’.....

_I could eat again. SH_

Yeah?

_Of course. It’s probably been hours, after all. Even if I’m not hungry now, I will be shortly. SH_

So you’ll have dinner with me?

_Yes. SH_

Excellent! Do you want to meet somewhere?

_Mm, no. Just come to my flat. We can go out or order in from there. SH_

All right. I’ll see you in a bit. :)

_Yes. SH_

 

 


	38. 15 June

3:53 p.m.

I wish there was a way we could play Caranguard together. That would be perfect.

_It wouldn’t. If you got tired of waiting on me to explore in Outskirts, you’d go mad playing Caranguard with me. SH_

I suppose that’s why you write such good game guides yeah? You’re thorough.

And anyway just playing in the same room would solve that. You poking about every tiny crevice is loads more fun when I can see your face.

_Why? SH_

Because you make a face like :P with your tongue poking out the corner of your mouth and everything.

_No I don’t. SH_

You do. And you slouch down and spread your legs stupidly wide and squint a bit and the things it makes me want to do are frankly obscene.

_Really? I’ll keep that in mind. SH_

_You spread your legs as well. Not ‘stupidly’ wide by any means, but enough to be alluring. SH_

_You also grip your controller like you aim to throttle it. I’m certain the plastic creaked several times. SH_

And that does it for you? Throttling?

_Oh yes. SH_

You’re doing things to me right now you know.

_Not good? SH_

No it’s good. Just different.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around this whole thing, I think.

Not that you should be concerned or anything! I’m not backing out

I’m not sure what I’m saying to be honest. Just ignore me.

_Are you at work? SH_

No, I left at 2. It was a slow day and I was falling asleep again.

_Ah. So I assume from your first text that you’re playing Caranguard now? SH_

Yeah. Only devoting about half my attention to it though.

_Are you on a quest? SH_

Not really. Wandering about collecting potions ingredients mostly. I’m pants at potions, completely awful. It’s my lowest level.

_Really? I find it remarkably easy. Perhaps you just need someone to teach you. SH_

Are you offering?

_Of course. And while we’re at it, I can show you why the console version is superior. Tonight? SH_

Absolutely!

Can I ask you something? It might be a bit awkward.

_Go on. SH_

What was it like, when you.....lost your virginity?

_‘Virginity’ is largely a social construct and depends on your definition. SH_

_First time being pleasured by another person, first time orgasming in the presence of another person, first penetrative experience…? SH_

Any or all of the above?

_My first sexual experience with someone else occurred when I was 17. It was fuelled solely by curiosity about sex. SH_

_He was in uni and a virtual stranger. He took me back to his flat and we kissed and petted and rubbed against each other in the bed. SH_

_His hips and limbs were exceptionally bony, so the frottage was uncomfortable and the orgasm unsatisfying. SH_

So you didn’t like it?

_Not really. The only part I enjoyed was holding him while he finished. SH_

_He felt small and fragile, and the way he clung to me was oddly satisfying. SH_

Oh. Okay

_My first penetrative experience occurred a few years later. Another stranger. It was part of an observational study in human behaviour. SH_

_I behaved like my only desire in life was getting his prick inside me, and his language grew more and more dehumanising in response. SH_

That sounds awful. I’m sorry he was a such a dick.

_Not really. He was a moron, yes, but some parts of it were quite enjoyable. SH_

Oh. Well that’s good. I suppose.

It’s probably not just those two blokes that you’ve had sex with yeah?

_No, although I unfortunately can’t give numbers. Most encounters occurred when I was somewhat less than sober. SH_

Oh. Okay, thanks.

_You’re uncomfortable. Why are you uncomfortable? SH_

I’m not, I’m just surprised. I wasn’t expecting that.

_How many women have you had sex with? SH_

I’d have to think about it to be honest. I haven’t exactly been keeping a running total.

_I see. SH_

I’m really not uncomfortable. Obviously I’d be a bloody hypocrite if I was. It’s fine, it’s all fine.

_Okay. Thank you. SH_

I know I’ll be there in only a few hours, but do you want to play a bit of Diggy Hole or Outskirts?

_I’m not at home, unfortunately. I started a new study on the coagulation of saliva after death. I’m at Bart’s picking up a specimen. SH_

Oh, okay. Sounds cheerful. I suppose I’ll just see you later then? Around 8 all right? 

_Come at 7 and we can have dinner. SH_

Okay! I’ll be there at 7 then.

_Good. SH_

 

 


	39. 16 June

12:20 p.m.

You’re a tease. Do you know that?

_How am I? SH_

Somehow there are 24 photos on my phone of you pouting with a marked up throat and a messy cock. Any idea how that happened?

_I’m surprised you found them so soon. I expected it to take you at least a week. Well done. SH_

When did you even have time to take 24 photos? The only time I left the bed was to go to the loo and that was maybe two minutes.

_Two minutes is more than enough time. You forgot the red, sore nipples, by the way. SH_

Oh believe me, I didn’t forget them.

_I meant to get photos of your various injuries before you left. SH_

I can pop into the loo and get a few of my arms and throat, maybe my back if I use the mirror.

The rest will have to wait until tonight I’m afraid.

_It’s fine. You’ll get a better angle and lighting if I’m there to assist. SH_

_Apologies for Mrs Hudson, incidentally. SH_

What about her?

_She accosted you whilst you were leaving this morning. SH_

Accosted is a bit of a strong word, but she did stop me. I didn’t mind. She offered me coffee and apologised for you not offering it first.

_Ah, that would explain what she was going on about when she came upstairs. I have her on near-permanent mute. SH_

That’s kind of you. And she doesn’t notice?

_Of course she does. She just doesn’t let it affect her. SH_

_I should also warn you that my brother will be swooping in for another chat, if he hasn’t done already. SH_

Am I going to get the ‘Hurt my brother and no one will find your corpse’ speech?

_Possibly. SH_

_Although unlike any time you might’ve been given the speech before, Mycroft actually is capable of ensuring there is no corpse to find. SH_

I’ll keep that in mind.

_Don’t worry. In the event of your untimely death, I’ll demand that he leave your body in my possession. SH_

Oh good. That’s a relief.

_:) SH_

8P

_Have dinner with me again? I can teach you more about potions in Caranguard. SH_

Absolutely. I’ll come to yours when my shift here is done?

_Yes. SH_

 

 


	40. 17 June (Part 1)

1:10 p.m.

What would you do with my dead body, assuming it ended up with you somehow?

_Mycroft popped by for a chat already, did he? SH_

Haven’t heard from him since our first talk actually. I was just rereading our texts from yesterday and wondered.

_I’d dissect you, probably. Depending on how you were killed, the condition of your corpse could provide a great deal of data. SH_

_Could be a big help in upcoming investigations. SH_

_Or was that meant to be a ‘naughty’ question? Should I have given a description of how I would use your body for my own pleasure? SH_

Er, no. I’m not into necrophilia, thanks, not even in fantasy scenarios.

Not really sure what it says about me that I find your answer charming, but there you go. :)

_It means you’re a smart, practical man and Mycroft wouldn’t dare lay a finger on you. SH_

Yeah?

_Yes. If he tried, I’d send him to Mummy in a pie. SH_

He wouldn’t make a good pie filling. A bit too stringy and tough.

_Hmm. Perhaps I can dry him out and make jerky. SH_

Maybe don’t give it to your mum though.

_I suppose she does deserve something of much higher quality than the likes of Mycroft. SH_

_Are you giggling right now? SH_

I don’t giggle. But I am chuckling to myself a bit yeah.

_You giggle. You duck your head and giggle when I say something amusing, and it’s happened enough now that it’s not worth denying. SH_

_Particularly considering how endearing I find it. SH_

:-*

_What’s that? SH_

A face giving a kiss according to the internet.

Looks more like someone whose mouth has been stitched shut at the corner if you ask me.

_What happened to the other corner of his mouth? SH_

Stitched more neatly shut? Or maybe his mouth’s just terribly off centre and that’s the whole of it?

_Regardless of what it looks like, I appreciate and return the sentiment. SH_

:)

Do you want to give Outskirts another go? You can host this time.

_If you’d like. I assume your lunch is nearly over? SH_

It is yeah. Always seems too bloody short. Tonight at the usual time?

_Do we have a ‘usual time’? SH_

I thought we did. Do we not? We usually do things at 8 I thought.

_Sometimes but not always. SH_

Fair enough. So, is 8 okay?

_Yes. I look forward to it. SH_

Great. :)

 

 


	41. 17 June (Part 2)

8:02 p.m.

> <JohnHWatson has joined your fight.>

“... Hi, hello?”

_“Hello. Problems connecting?”_

“Just wasn’t sure my headset was working for a minute. Seems fine now.”

_“You sound... flustered.”_

“Yeah, erm. Maybe. Harry and I had a bit of a row earlier. I might still be bothered from that, I dunno.”

_“Mm. I see.”_

“Anyway. So. Outskirts? Can we just continue our last game or will we have to start a new one?”

_“We should be able to continue where we left off, more or less.”_

“Oh, that’s handy. Okay, um. Shall we... get started? I think I’ve done everything I need on my end.”

_“All right.”_

“...”

_“... Do you want to... whatever people do when they get upset?”_

“... Talk about it, you mean?”

_“Yes, that. I can listen. Or not listen, if you’d prefer—I’ve got rather a lot of practice in tuning people out.”_

“[chuckling] Thanks for the offer, but I’m all right.”

_“If you insist. Perhaps don’t shoot at the man who’s meant to be helping us.”_

“Oh. Sorry, I didn’t realise. I was wondering why I didn’t seem to be damaging him.”

_“Your game’s still muted, I assume?”_

“It must be. Dunno, I wasn’t paying attention. Does my game playing drive you mad? I know you said it would drive Victor mad, but—”

_“No. No, um. On the contrary, I find it... endearing. It reflects your personality.”_

“I don’t listen to people when they talk?”

_“You jump into things. You wait for someone to lay a path for you and then you plow forwards with all the forethought of a dog being let from a crate.”_

“... That doesn’t sound very endearing.”

_“It is. In fact, it’s something that I’ve found complements my own defects admirably.”_

“‘Defects’? You... you know, you have this way of giving people compliments that are actually insults.”

_“And you have a way of mistaking statements of fact for insults. Everyone has defects, John. To pretend you don’t would be an insult.”_

“I suppose so. Fair enough.”

_“This way. He’s opened the gate for us. I should warn you we’ve got the first boss battle coming up in a bit.”_

“Already? Hang on, how do you know? Have you been playing without me?”

_“I have played the game before. I know I told you that when we started. But yes, I did poke around a bit this afternoon to see what you and I would be in for when we played tonight.”_

“... Why?”

_“Curiosity. Boredom. It’s been more than a week since I’ve had a case. I’ve told you: I need something to occupy my mind. It’s like a rocket tearing itself to pieces on the launch pad. You can’t understand.”_

“No, course not. Not someone with my tiny little mind.”

_“There, see? A statement of fact and you’re taking it as an insult.”_

“That reminds me, actually. Now that I’ve been stood here for about five minutes watching you loot through crates. I’ve seen you tell a person’s whole sodding history from one glance, but in video games you have to comb every inch of an area to find things. Why?”

_“[sighing, disgusted] Lots of reasons, really. Partly because in video games I don’t have access to my full range of senses. Not to mention the textures, particularly in games that are this..._ stylised _, make it difficult for eyes as sharp as mine to spot things.”_

“‘Eyes as sharp as’ yours? Really?”

_“[sighing, more softly] Arrogant? Rude?”_

“Kind of hot, actually.”

_“Oh... oh, that—that’s good.”_

“[chuckling, flirtatious] It is, yeah. Very good.”

_“I’m not sure anyone has referred to me as ‘hot’ before. Certainly not because of my personality.”_

“Well, people are idiots. Isn’t that what you keep telling me?”

_“I... yes. I suppose so. Unrelatedly, you should take ample advantage of the vending machines in this area. The boss is just ahead.”_

“I think I’m okay, actually.”

_“You’re okay? What guns do you have?”_

“Hmm. How do I open my inventory?”

_“... You don’t know how to open your inventory?”_

“I haven’t needed to until now. What do I press?”

_“The I key.”_

“Cheers. There we go. Looks like, um... hang on, this is a bit confusing.”

_“... Is it?”_

“Piss off. You just said it’s so ‘stylised’ you have trouble seeing a bloody crate. You know the inventory’s a mess. There we go. I’ve got a pistol, a shotgun, and—ah, I forgot about the sniper rifle I got last time. Yeah, I should be all right.”

_“... You don’t think you should at least upgrade your weapons?”_

“[laughing] Don’t treat me like a moron, you prat. Just because I haven’t played enough video games to write guides about them doesn’t mean I’ve no idea what I’m doing. You do what you need to do, and then let’s go.”

_“Ugh, fine. If you insist.”_

“[still laughing] I do, thanks. Are you actually worried about this?”

_“Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. Although in Caranguard I have watched you back off a cliff twice in the middle of a battle and mount attacks on rocks and shrubbery, so—”_

“[laughing anew] It was the first time I’d played on a console! Of course I struggled with the controls.”

_“Whatever the reason, it doesn’t inspire confidence. Incidentally, he uses a flamethrower and he has rather a lot of backup, so be prepared for that.”_

“I’ll try. You stupidly attractive arrogant sod.”

_“...”_

“...”

_“Did....”_

“Well that was easy. Didn’t you say it was a boss fight? Those are usually a bit longer.”

_“You shot him in the head.”_

“Suppose I’m just more used to Caranguard where you have to hit everything more than once.”

_“You one-shotted the first boss.”_

“‘One-shotted’? Is that a word?”

_“I can’t believe you did that. I didn’t know it was even possible.”_

“Mmhm. Maybe next time I say I’ve got everything under control, you won’t doubt me, yeah? When we’re playing on a computer, at least. Oh, looks like his little minions are still about.”

_“That was....”_

“Hot?”

_“Yes.”_

“... Wow. I wasn’t actually expecting you to say yes.”

_“It was ‘stupidly attractive’, even.”_

“Yeah? Could you maybe help clean up a bit and not just stand there while we’re being attacked?”

_“Oh I think you’ve got everything well under control.”_

“Probably, yeah. Still, it’s a bit rude to leave everything to me after I just ‘one-shotted’ the boss for you.”

_“Do you know what I’ve been dying to do to you?”_

“... Are you serious? You’re turned-on right now? Because of that?”

_“I like it when you prove me wrong. You know that.”_

“Mm. Yeah.... Go on, then. What do you want to do to me?”

_“[sighing, rustling] I want you on my sofa, a controller in your hands and your legs spread wide like you do when you play.”_

“Yeah? And where are you?”

_“Knelt between your legs, obviously. Opening your trousers and pulling out your fat cock so I can suck it while you play.”_

“Jesus. That sounds nice. What else?”

_“Mmm. In this scenario, you’re ignoring me completely, of course.”_

“Am I? I have to admit, I can’t see myself ignoring you. Definitely not when I’ve got your mouth on me.”

_“You have to. That’s part of the fantasy. It’s my job to take care of your body while your, uhnm, while your mind is occupied.”_

“Was that a moan? ... You little whore, are you actually touching yourself because I killed a bloke with a flamethrower?”

_“Only partly. I’d planned on initiating something tonight. Not this early, but... mmm. You gave me an excellent excuse.”_

“Tart. So you’re taking care of my body, are you?”

_“Mhn. Yes. But sometimes, ah, you need to concentrate, so you... put your foot on my chest and, mm, push me away.”_

“Yeah?”

_“Mm, oh... you hold me at a distance, make me watch your cock bob and leak while you play... do whatever you need to do that I shouldn’t distract you from.”_

“And that’s torturous for you, isn’t it? You can still taste it and you can see how wet I still am from your mouth, how hard.”

_“Yes. Oh, yes. Mm.”_

“It’s all right. The boss is dead, the area’s clear. You can have my prick, c’mon.”

_“Oh god. Fuck.”_

“Suck on your fingers. I want to hear you when your mouth is full.”

_“Uhn. Mmmm.”_

“Ohh that’s good. Sometime we’ll have to test how long it takes before your mouth gets tired. Because if I’m being distracted by a video game, you could be sucking for a long, long time.”

_“Mm, mm, mm! Mmn....”_

“That’s it, Sherlock. Make a mess for me.”

_“Mmm. [panting] That—ugh, you’re too far away. Why didn’t you come over? We could be fucking on the sofa right now.”_

“Erm. Because I... thought maybe it’d be better if we had some time apart occasionally?”

_“‘Better’? Not likely. I could’ve come in your hand instead of on my clothes.”_

“Or my mouth. If you’d wanted.”

_“Really? Mmm. You’ve grown comfortable with your bisexuality considerably more quickly than I expected.”_

“My... what?”

_“... I’m sorry?”_

“I’m—I mean, I’m not, you realise.”

_“You’re not what?”_

“What you said, you know. Um. Bi—bisexual. I’m not that.”

_“... Then what are you?”_

“Erm. Still straight, I thought.”

_“Ah... I see.... Well, that’s rather ruined my afterglow.”_

“What’s that supposed to mean? I told you that I like women. Repeatedly. That hasn’t changed.”

_“Yes, obviously. That’s why I said ‘bisexuality’ rather than ‘homosexuality’.”_

“Yeah, but... that would mean I’m attracted to men. And I’m not. I’m attracted to women.”

_“... Then what am I?”_

“You’re... an exception.”

_“An exception. I see.”_

“What? I thought you’d be, I dunno... flattered?”

_“‘Flattered’? Aside from tonight, when you just talked me through a wank, I’ve snogged you and groped you and sucked your prick every night for the past four days. During which time you snogged and groped me back, stroked me to orgasm, and slept in my bed. And you think I’d be flattered that, despite all this, I don’t matter enough to be anything more than an aberration in your sexual history.”_

“Hang on, that’s not what I—”

_“It is. It’s precisely what you meant. And you— [growling, frustrated]”_

“It isn’t. Why are you getting upset? What does it matter if I’m gay or straight or—or whatever? I like you. I’d be happy to be in a relationship with you.”

_“You_ would be _happy? We’re not in a relationship, then? We’re, what, experimenting?”_

“No, of course not. We just—we haven’t really talked about it.”

_“Obviously not. Obviously we’ve both been doing entirely too much assuming. So, let’s put an end to that. I’m not ‘flattered’. If you honestly believe I’m your exception, then... then I don’t think we have anything else to say to each other at the moment.”_

“I... okay. All right, erm. I... I’m sorry, I don’t know what you want me to say?”

_“...”_

“Sherlock? Are you still there?”

> <Connection lost.>

“Shit.”

 

 


	42. 18 June

12:03 p.m.

_Stop ringing. SH_

I will, as soon as you actually answer when I ring.

_Why? I certainly don’t want to speak to you. SH_

Because I’m not gay?

_Because I’ve seen the wreckage of entirely too many one-sided affairs to ever willingly become part of one. SH_

This isn’t a one sided affair. I told you, I’m attracted to you, I want a relationship with you.

_So you’ve said. I’m an aberration. A freak of your sexual attraction, if you will. SH_

You’re not. I never said that and I don’t like that you’re saying it.

You’re amazing. You’re extraordinary. I’ve never been attracted to a man like I’m attracted to you.

_Wrong. SH_

Excuse me?

_Wrong. I realise now you were never questioning your sexuality, only whether you wanted to pursue your attraction to me. SH_

_That says you didn’t need to question it; you’d already done so, at length, on a previous occasion. SH_

_And arrived at the conclusion that you were straight, obviously, which you’ve clung to ever since. SH_

_So there’s been at least one other, possibly more—hard to say for sure, without being able to see your reactions. SH_

_Probably someone in Afghanistan. SH_

_It was an all-male regiment, and you become aroused in high-adrenaline situations. SH_

_You couldn’t have lasted your deployment without fantasising about at least one of them. SH_

You think that for certain do you?

_I don’t think; I know. SH_

_It gave you a thrill when you were young, didn’t it? Being the good son. You felt superior. SH_

_Your parents could say what they wanted about Harry, and as long as they never said it about you, you could play the protector. SH_

_Otherwise it’s simply self-defence, and that’s not nearly so satisfying. SH_

You arsehole. You have no idea what you’re talking about.

_Tell me I’m wrong. SH_

_No? SH_

_Fine. The next time you feel inclined to contact me and behave as though I’m an idiot: don’t. SH_

 

 


	43. 5 July

11:56 p.m.

I’ve been thinking alot and your maybe not entirely wrong.

Are you there?

_Not the time. I’m on a case. SH_

What sort of case?.

Sorry, I’m bothering you arent I?

Sorry

I miss you though

_What and how much have you had to drink? SH_

How do you know I’ve been drinking?

_Although your punctuation has always left something to be desired, you can usually manage the correct usage of ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. SH_

What?

_Drinks, John. What and how much? SH_

Whisky, not much, just a couple of glasses,.

Imm not drunk if that’s what you think.

_I’ll take your word for it. SH_

I’ve been thinking alot lately

_So you said. SH_

Even before Harry came out it was a bit obvious. People could just look at her and tell she was gay you know?

_Ah yes. Cunnilingus in public, was it? SH_

I can’t tell if your taking the piss or trying to make me feel stupid.

_I wasn’t aware the two were mutually exclusive. SH_

Stop being a cock. Why are you always being a cock? This isn’t easy for me

_You think it is for me? SH_

Seems to be.

_It isn’t. I finally resign myself to moving on, and there you are. Fiercely persistent. SH_

Well uou could just not respond you know.

_No. I couldn’t. SH_

_In any case, she was ‘obvious’? SH_

Just from how she dressed and how she carried herself. Christ that makes me sound like a right twat does’t it?

_A bit. SH_

The point as, even when we were kids she was bullied at school.

She got called awful names, she didn’t have friends, mum and da were suspicous. She was miserable all the time.

And I just remember not understanding. She couldmve tried to hide it she could’ve, I dunno, grown out her hair or wore the dressses mum bought her

Or even just denied it when some arsehole at school called her a dyke, but she never did.

_You’re saying she brought it on herself? SH_

I don’t know what I’m saying. I just keep thinking aboutit and how I didn’t understand and didn’t want her to tell any one.

They’d have thrown her out, you know, they’d have sent her somewhere to get shock therapy or god knows whatelse

_You thought you were protecting her. SH_

She says it’s like I’m ashamed of her. Maybe I am I don’t know. I just didn’t understand.

His name was Sholto by the way

_‘His’? SH_

In Afghanistan. The one I thought about like you said. He was a commanding officer.

Stern, a bit of a cold bastard at times, he didn’t smile very much but sometimes he smiled at me when we were alone.

He ‘d put his hand on my shoulder and I’d feel it for days

It was a fluke though, extenuuating circumstances and all that like you said, the adrenaline and the war, I tried not to think much of it.

Christ I no idea what I’m talking about anymore. Are you still there?

Sherlock?

_You might recall that I’m on a case. Which often requires me to put my phone away. SH_

_Sorry. SH_

_Yes, I’m still here. SH_

What sort of case?

_Tracking down a stolen dog in Oxfordshire. SH_

Oh. Woww

_What? SH_

Nothing, it’s just surprising I suppose. I was expecting a murder not a missing dog.

_Stolen, not ‘missing’. SH_

Your’e a good person you know. I’m a ducking mess but you’re brilliant and gorgeous and funny and you know exactly who you are and what you want.

_Surely you realise that you have a much higher opinion of me than you should, after all this. I’m none of those things. SH_

No you are. You deserve so much better that an idiot who starts fights in pubs because he’s having a sexual crisis at 39

_You got in a fight in a pub? SH_

Only a small one. I’m hardly even bleeding any more

_I see. SH_

Sorry.

I better let you get back to you case.

Good luck, I hope you find him soon

_Her. And thank you. SH_

 

 


	44. 8 July

1:27 p.m.

You didn’t tell me it was the Duke of Marlborough’s dog.

I mean I’m assuming that’s your client. It’s in the papers.

No wonder you took the case.

_It’s a favour to Mycroft, of sorts. And I was bored enough to take it. SH_

_Besides, I quite like dogs. SH_

Yeah?

_Yes. I had one when I was a child. SH_

Huh. It’s surprisingly easy to picture you with a dog. What was his name, or her?

_Redbeard. He was an Irish setter. Very intelligent, even for a dog. I taught him to growl at Mycroft on cue. SH_

_For a period of time when I was a child, I considered him the best friend I would ever have. SH_

For a period of time?

_He died, of course. All animals do. SH_

I’m sorry.

_How are you feeling? The hangover has passed by now, I assume. SH_

I wasn’t all that hungover to begin with. I told you I wasn’t very drunk, just enough to get emotional and chatty apparently.

Sorry about that.

I wanted to say that it’s not a habit or anything.

_Obviously not. I would have noticed if it were. SH_

Yeah. I still wanted to say it though. With my family history you’d be right to be worried, but I watch myself. I don’t let it go that far.

In case you had any concerns about that.

_I didn’t. SH_

I did go to another pub last night, but I didn’t even finish one pint. I got into another fight, but this time I didn’t start it.

_Oh? SH_

I thought I might try giving it a go. Telling people I might not be straight, that is.

_You needn’t have done that. It’s really none of my business to tell you what you are or aren’t. I overstepped my bounds by trying. SH_

A bit yeah. But I don’t think you were really wrong, is the thing.

I realised if I were dating a woman who kept insisting she was a lesbian, it would bother me too. Like I didn’t belong somehow you know?

_Yes. SH_

Anyway, so I told some people. One bloke at the pub didn’t take it very well. He regretted that.

_Feel better now? SH_

A bit, I think.

_The other night, you said that I was a good person. SH_

You are.

_So are you. You’re more than an idiot who gets into pub fights because he’s having a sexual crisis at 39. SH_

Yeah?

_Yes. Much, much more. SH_

Thank you.

Let me know when you find the dog?

_Oh, I found the dog last night. She simply hasn’t been reunited with her owner yet, nor has her abductor been appropriately dealt with. SH_

Are you re-stealing the Duke of Marlborough’s dog??

_Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. Lydia’s had a rough few days. I thought she’d appreciate a rest. SH_

_In any case, I’ll let you know when the case is officially finished. SH_

All right. Enjoy your time with Lydia.

 

 


	45. 11 July (Part 1)

11:11 a.m.

_Case is complete. Duke of Marlborough has his dog back, and his ex-wife’s new husband is in a great deal of trouble. SH_

That’s good.

_Yes. SH_

Convenient timing as well. Your brother just dropped me off at Harry’s about 20 minutes ago.

_I did warn you he would do that. SH_

_Did he show you a selection of private documents he’d gone through the trouble of obtaining just to prove to you that he can? SH_

No.

_Describe in alarming detail everything you’ve done and everyone you’ve spoken to in an attempt to make you feel vulnerable? SH_

Why didn’t you tell me Victor was your drug dealer?

Well?

Sherlock?

_I didn’t realise it mattered. SH_

You said he was your friend, that you knew he had a problem and that you tried to help him but he didn’t want to be helped.

_I never said anything of the sort. You inferred, mistakenly. I didn’t see the point in correcting you. SH_

But you did say he was your friend. I definitely remember that.

_It is possible to be both one’s friend and one’s dealer. SH_

_In fact, it benefits a dealer tremendously to be friends with his highest-paying customer. SH_

You were his highest paying customer?

_I must have been. And even when I didn’t have money, I found ways to be useful. SH_

Like?

_Lots of ways, really. Once Victor’s father tried to send him to rehab, but I managed to persuade him against it. SH_

_Victor owed me a lot for that, he always said. SH_

Fucking hell, Sherlock.

_Oh what does it matter? So I did heroin for a few years until my dealer died. SH_

Intravenous or intranasal?

_Both at one point or another. SH_

And you decided it wasn’t important for me to know this before you put your mouth on my dick without a barrier?

_I’m clean, John. Of course I’m clean. I can provide STI results if my word isn’t good enough. SH_

_And be sure you don’t venture too far on the road to moral superiority. SH_

_A matter of days ago you were drinking and getting into pub fights and trying to assure me it wouldn’t become a habit. SH_

I know that! And I said then that I knew I was a fucking mess. If I ring you, will you answer?

_We’re talking perfectly fine over text messages. You don’t need to ring me. SH_

I can’t figure out your bloody tone and I think your brother shoved all this into my face for a reason.

_He knows that your family history of alcoholism, particularly your sister’s, has made you sensitive to the subject of addictions. SH_

_He thought this would drive you away better than even the most ominous threat. SH_

Do you know the thing about arsehole older brothers? And I know this from experience, by the way.

They really do just want you to be all right in the end, no matter how badly they go about it and how much of an arsehole it makes them.

And I think I’m right when I say that you want me around, yeah? You wouldn’t still be putting up with me otherwise.

You’d have told me to bugger off with my denial and mixed signals and get the hell out of your life already.

If I can see that, then your brother definitely can.

Still there?

_Apparently. SH_

So you did heroin. Is that it, nothing else?

_No. There was also cocaine, morphine, and various other substances. SH_

You said before that you weren’t sober when you had sex. I thought you meant alcohol, but you didn’t did you?

_No. SH_

But you never had sex with Victor?

_No. SH_

_It wouldn’t have served any purpose to lie about that. SH_

If you were trying to protect yourself it might’ve done.

So you and he would what, get high and play video games together?

_Of course not. I didn’t have any interest in video games. Why would I have had any interest? SH_

_He would sit in front of a computer making little pixelated people walk across the screen and talk to magic spiders and trees. SH_

_He would get so pleased when he solved a perfectly insipid, obvious puzzle. I thought it was nonsense. I didn’t want any part of it. SH_

But then why do you play them now??

_Oh for god’s sake, isn’t it obvious? SH_

Not to me it isn’t.

_It is; you just don’t OBSERVE. SH_

Then tell me!

_He died, John. SH_

_He died, and his father, whom he despised, would’ve thrown out his entire collection of games like they were nothing but rubbish. SH_

And you couldn’t let that happen, so you kept them and played them?

_I don’t play PC games. At least not until I met you and you wouldn’t play anything else. I stole them and haven’t touched them since. SH_

_The discs are still in one of the desk drawers, I believe. SH_

Then I still don’t understand.

_It’s the same answer as when you first asked. I needed something to occupy my mind. The cases helped, but they never lasted. SH_

_I would get bored. I would get cravings. Then I would remember Victor and his games. SH_

You started playing video games so you wouldn’t get high?

_You started playing them so you wouldn’t kill yourself. It’s a similar concept. SH_

I suppose it is. So you stopped using after he died?

_Eventually. After a few false starts, so to speak. SH_

Jesus. I’m sorry.

_It’s fine. Looking back now, I don’t know why his death affected me so strongly. SH_

Are you serious? He was your friend. Of course it affected you strongly.

_Aside from the drugs, we had nothing in common. SH_

_In fact, he always called me Holmes. I’m not sure he even knew my given name. SH_

Can I come over? Or do you want to play more Outskirts? Or Diggy Hole, or anything else?

_I’m still in Oxford. My train isn’t scheduled to leave for another hour and a half. SH_

Oh. Sorry, I didn’t realise you weren’t in London.

_Mrs Hudson should be at home though. She’ll let you in. You can make yourself comfortable until I get back. SH_

What, really? You want me to wait for you alone in your flat?

_‘Want’ is a bit strong. I wouldn’t mind. SH_

_If you have better things to do, of course I wouldn’t mind that either. SH_

_Or if you’re uncomfortable. SH_

I’ll be there. If Mrs Hudson isn’t there I’ll just make myself at home on the doorstep.

_Just pick the lock. You do know how to pick locks, I assume? SH_

I’m not breaking into your flat.

_Hm. We’ll have to work on that. SH_

Just worry about catching your train. I’ll see you when you get here.

_All right. SH_

 

 


	46. 11 July (Part 2)

1:55 p.m.

_Did Mrs Hudson let you in? SH_

She did. No lockpicking necessary!

_Biscuits or scones? SH_

She brought up a plate of each actually. Also sandwiches, which I put in the fridge. As far away from the eyeballs as I could get them.

_Probably smart. SH_

Why do you have a jar of human eyeballs in your fridge?

_Experiment. SH_

Right, of course. Why didn’t I think of that?

_Because you’re an idiot. SH_

Cheers.

Victor’s death wasn’t your fault, you know.

_Obviously. I didn’t force the needle into his vein. SH_

I know. Just, the bit about rehab and his dad and all. I wanted you to know it wasn’t your fault.

_Noted. SH_

Also you and I, it’s not one sided. We have things in common, we have a connection.

I’m not just keeping you around because you’re convenient or useful. You’re probably the least convenient thing in my life actually.

_You were dying of boredom when we met. You needed excitement; you needed something unusual. SH_

Yeah, so? I think you’re exciting and unusual and interesting as hell. That’s not you being useful, that’s me being attracted to you.

Do you know I used to have to remind myself to be interested in my dates? I’ve never had to do that with you.

My mind’s never even started to wander when you’re talking. I hang on every word you say. I want to know all about your life.

Hell, I even want to know about the experiment with the eyeballs.

_I was studying the effect of different types of electromagnetic radiation. I can show you. SH_

Maybe not so interested in watching, but I’d like to hear about it.

_I can do that. SH_

I know you can. You’re very eloquent. It’s another thing I like about you.

So, yeah. I know I’ve been slow and stubborn about it, but you and I, it’s very very mutual.

Just, wanted to give you a few things to think about during the train ride.

_Thank you. SH_

Not a problem. Really. :)

_Do you want dinner? I could pick us up something on my way to the flat. SH_

We’ve got biscuits, scones, and sandwiches here, I think we’re sorted.

Besides we don’t really need the distraction. We’ve a lot to talk about, you and I.

_Yes, I suppose so. SH_

Just bring yourself. That’s all I really care about anyway.

_All right. SH_

_The console should still be set up. Feel free to play a game while you wait. SH_

I might do actually.

_Good. SH_

See you soon.

_Yes. SH_

 

 


	47. 14 July

9:40 a.m.

_Where did you go? Where are you? SH_

The surgery. I told you last night, I can’t keep calling out or I won’t have a job anymore.

_You don’t have a job now. It’s locum work. Hardly anything worth fretting over. SH_

Thanks. Terribly kind of you to say, you prick.

_You should come back immediately. I’m emotionally fragile. SH_

You’re a lot of things, Sherlock, but emotionally fragile is not one of them.

_My feet are cold. SH_

You’ve got socks. I’ve seen them. They’re impressively organised.

_Your body heat is more effective. SH_

You mashing your frozen toes up against my bum isn’t an experience I ever want to repeat thanks.

_In that case, you shouldn’t have rubbed and kissed them after. You’ve only encouraged me to do it again. SH_

_Also the oral sex. SH_

_The second act more than the first. At least you know what to do with an orifice even if your skills with a penis are somewhat lacking. SH_

_Ugh, why are you working? I’m much more interesting. SH_

The blowjob was really that bad?

_The teeth rather ruined it. Your uncharacteristic self-consciousness was also quite distracting. SH_

God I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

_It’s fine! SH_

_You might recall that it was a very satisfying conclusion even if the beginning was a bit lacking. ;) SH_

Yeah I know, I just feel terrible about it. I’ve no idea what I’m doing.

_Perhaps I should clarify that I’m not suggesting you abandon penises. SH_

_I can teach you. I’m very, very good with that particular appendage, as you know. SH_

You are. You really really are.

I thought maybe I could be too. I mean I’ve got one, I know what I like. But I suppose it’s not the same is it?

_Oh for god’s sake, John. SH_

What?

_Should I prepare for you to have a new sexuality crisis every few days, or do you anticipate that they’ll eventually die out? SH_

I’m not having a sexuality crisis!

_Of course you are. You’ve currently holed yourself in an examination room between patients in a panic. SH_

_You worry you were mistaken: your attraction is a fluke, it goes against your heterosexuality, you’re destined to disappoint us both. SH_

_You pride yourself on your sexual prowess with women, but you’ve conveniently forgotten it took years to achieve that skill and confidence. SH_

_Stop being an idiot. SH_

Stop calling me an idiot for being uncertain! You don’t know what it’s like for me

_No, I don’t. But nor do you know what it’s like for me. SH_

Yeah? What’s it like for you?

_Well, the first time I tried to swallow someone else’s semen, I choked and vomited all over his penis. SH_

_I was mortified. I vowed to avoid sex entirely from that point on. A week later, I’d all but forgotten about it. SH_

By your own admission, you were drugged out of your fucking mind during your early sexual encounters, Sherlock.

_Bit of an exaggeration. It wasn’t until my middle sexual encounters at least that my drug use was such that I was ‘out of my mind’. SH_

It’s a bit frightening how matter of fact you are about all that you know.

_Is it? SH_

Yes. And anyway it’s still not the same. You’re gay, you knew you were gay from the start.

_You’re also conveniently forgetting that you are brilliant with your hands. SH_

_That the first time you touched me I was practically sobbing into your shoulder it was so good. SH_

_You’re uncertain and self-conscious and inexperienced. It’s fine. It’s all fine. Those are all issues I can manage. SH_

_You should know that I’m entirely too comfortable right now, John. Minimal bruises, no scratches, no teeth marks. SH_

_Not even the faint ache of overexertion. SH_

_Do you know who could rectify that? SH_

I know what you’re doing, you know.

_Of course you do. I’m not being subtle and you’ve got at least half a brain. SH_

_Answer the question. Who could fix it? SH_

_John. SH_

Me. I could.

_Yes. You’re the best man for the job. The only man for the job, in fact. No one’s ever made discomfort feel so heavenly. SH_

_Think about that, the next time you’re tempted to panic again. SH_

No promises. I know I’m a mess.

_A bit, but it’s fine. Makes you less predictable. SH_

_I’ve decided you should move in with me immediately. SH_

Seriously? Now? After this conversation, really?

_The sooner you move in, the sooner we can solve these ridiculous crises. SH_

_They only seem to happen when you’re away from me and allowed to think for yourself. SH_

Yeah no. There are about twenty giant red flags in that one text alone. That’s an awful idea.

_All my ideas are brilliant, John. You should know this by now. SH_

I’m a nightmare. You just agreed I’m a mess. Why would you want to live in the same flat with me, permanently?

_It’s like you said the other day. I want you around. We have a connection that’s very much not one-sided. SH_

_Besides, Mycroft already approves of you. It’s exceedingly difficult to get his approval. I’m not sure I’d be able to manage again. SH_

He approves of me? How can you tell??

_Believe me, John, if Mycroft didn’t approve of you, he’d have made that abundantly clear to both of us by now. SH_

Why?

_Why what? SH_

Why me? Why in the fucking hell have you been so determined and patient with me?

_Because you responded. SH_

I what? When?

_At the beginning. You kept responding to my emails, even when you were clearly bothered by them. SH_

Of course I did. Why wouldn’t I?

_Most people don’t. They see how infuriating I am and they leave off. But you didn’t. SH_

_And then you gave me your number. You said you were very good in a fight and offered to be my backup. SH_

_You hardly knew me and I’d been an arrogant git, in your words. Yet you told me you would meet me wherever I needed you to be. SH_

Yeah, I did.

_I decided then that I was going to keep you for as long as you would let me. SH_

I’ll let you as long as you want me to.

_Good. When can you move in? SH_

Sherlock.

_Don’t forget that there’s the bedroom upstairs if you’d prefer. I understand if you’d be more comfortable with your own space. SH_

Not a fucking chance. If and I do mean if I move in, I’ll be moving in properly. Sharing your bed, your wardrobe, all of it.

_So you’ll consider it? SH_

I’ll think about it.

_Good. SH_

I should get back to work now I suppose. I’ve been holed up in here, like you said, for too long.

_You should come back to Baker Street at once. I’ve just remembered that Victor is dead and I’m devastated. SH_

Yeah no. Using past traumas to manipulate me is a bit not good, Sherlock.

_Worth a try. SH_

I’ll come back after I’m finished here and we can go to dinner.

At Angelo’s maybe? So he can see I’m maybe less of a raging arsehole than I was at first?

_Hmm. Will you shout loudly to the entire restaurant that you and I are on a date? SH_

If you want, sure.

_Acceptable. Then afterwards you’ll make sure I’m good and uncomfortable again? SH_

Of course. You’ll be uncomfortable for days by the time I’m through with you.

_Excellent. SH_

 

 


	48. 15 July

7:01 a.m.

Sorry, forgot to say, milk no sugar.

_If you honestly believe I don’t know how you take your coffee, I’m not sure you can be helped. SH_

_Do you want food? SH_

I’m all right, thanks.

_A full English should be sufficient, yes? SH_

Did you even read what I said??

_You’re injured, John. A hearty breakfast will aid your recovery. SH_

I’m not injured.

Oh wait, I see.

_Yes. Quite a nasty series of bruises on your throat. SH_

That’s nothing compared to the bite on your shoulder. Are you eating too?

_I thought we might share, if that’s acceptable. SH_

Of course it’s acceptable.

_Good. Coming back now. SH_

 

* * *

 

11:03 a.m.

_Why have you left again? Didn’t we discuss this? SH_

_We decided that the clinic needs you far less than I do and that I’m far more interesting than anything or anyone there. SH_

_Mrs Hudson has taken your departure as an invitation to come ‘have a little chat’. SH_

_You were right, by the way. Apparently we were quite loud. SH_

_Incidentally, if you fall into another sexuality crisis while you’re away from me today, I’ll be very very displeased. SH_

_My shoulder is still throbbing. Your teeth are surprisingly sharp. SH_

_I miss you. SH_

 

* * *

12:58 p.m.

We didn’t decide anything of the sort. You sort of declared, I said no, and then we had a snog.

_A very good snog. SH_

They’re all very good snogs, probably the best I’ve ever had actually.

_Probably? SH_

Definitely the best.

_Yes. SH_

Your teeth are pretty bloody sharp too you know. Where you bit my bum is throbbing right now.

_I only nipped you. It barely left a mark. That can’t possibly still hurt. SH_

It does. Like I said, throbbing.

_They’ve got you sitting entirely too much there. You’re putting constant pressure on it. Of course it hurts. SH_

_Come back and I’ll make sure you lie on your stomach for the remainder of the day. SH_

Only a few more hours left. Do you have a case or anything to keep you busy?

_I suppose I could check the website. I haven’t done for a few days now. SH_

Yeah you’ve been quite occupied haven’t you?

That reminds me. Do you still have the email?

_What email? SH_

THE email. The one you sent and then deleted from my inbox.

_Ah, that email. It seems I’ve still got a copy, yes. Shall I forward it to you? SH_

Please. And any other emails you wrote but didn’t manage to accidentally send, if you’ve got any.

_I’ll see what I can manage. SH_

_Ah. SH_

Ah?

_You updated your blog. SH_

Oh yeah, I did. Is it okay?

_When did you possibly have time to update it? We’ve scarcely been out of each other’s sights, except for today when you’ve been busy. SH_

Oh I don’t know, sometime between when you passed out last night and then woke up insisting on buying me coffee.

_I didn’t ‘pass out’. SH_

You did. I managed to kick you a bit when I was untangling myself and you didn’t even twitch.

_Well, I did just finish up a case. I tend not to sleep when I’m in the middle of a case. SH_

You mean you didn’t have a rest along with Lydia?

_Mm, no. I was somewhat preoccupied. SH_

With what?

_You. SH_

Oh.

_Speaking of, isn’t it customary to ask someone before referring to them on a public blog as your boyfriend? SH_

I suppose so. Seemed a bit boring though, doing things the customary way.

Is that a no?

_No, certainly not a no. SH_

Good. :)

_You’ll move in, then? SH_

Probably should at least tell Harry I’m leaving first. Also I’ll need a few days to pack up my things.

_Tonight? SH_

That’s not a few days.

_No, but it’s less customary. SH_

True.

Caranguard tonight? We can talk about me moving in and you can teach me more about making potions.

_Yes. SH_

:)

_:) SH_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Interested in gaming with other Sherlock fans? Send an email to consultinggamers @ gmail . com (minus the spaces)! And check us out on Twitter [@consultinggamer](https://twitter.com/consultinggamer).


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